Hey mang

Had a cab driver from Peru take me uptown last week. I must have a kind face, because he talked for the whole 20 minutes, and I could barely understand what the fuck he was saying because of his thick Spanish accent.

At one point in the conversation I think he began talking about the upcoming elections, so I politely asked him, “By the way, how long have you been in this country, amigo?” And he replied, “Almost 40 years.”

Forty fucking years and you still talk like your selling turquoise jewelry off a blanket on the streets of Guadalajara? How is that possible? I went away to college for 4 years, and lost 90% of my Brooklyn accent**. How can you live in a country for 40 YEARS and not have a better grasp of the dialect?

You want to know why this shit happens? Because we fucking let it. But I say we put a fucking stop to it right now. Two suggestions:

1.) Next time you are in a car on the way home from a client dinner, and the driver proceeds to talk Hindi on his cell phone, just tell him, “Listen, bro… You either speak English while I’m in your car, or you stay off the phone and shut the fuck up. I dont know what you and your brother are talking about, but I get the feeling it involves commercial flights and shoe-bombs, so just quit it.” I really don’t think it’s too much to ask, because a couple of guys talking in a different language in front of one guy who doesn’t understand is just plain rude… Plus you’re in America, so speak American, douche.

2.) And I say we take away people’s drivers licenses until they can pronounce the sentence- “Thank you, man.”, without it sounding like- “Dank joo meng.” Maybe the motivation of keeping their license will cause people to speak more English at home and hopefully assimilate into our society a little more.

I’m the son of immigrants, and I see nothing wrong with maintaining some of the culture of your ancestors, but language isn’t one of them. You want to live in this “Melting Pot”, then you gotta speak the language. Otherwise you can get the fuck out.

Take a report.


** Challenge. – admin.

The Brown Mile

Let me ask you a rhetorical question… In our business, is there any doubt that we spend more waking hours in our offices than we do anywhere else?

the kill zoneNow let me ask you something else… Then why are some people such fucking degenerates when it comes to using the bathrooms at work?

And don’t get me wrong. If I am in a bar in Manhattan and I just don’t like the place… Or maybe I felt that I was ripped off by them in some way… Or maybe I don’t like the clientele I am surrounded by, then I have no reservations in pissing all over their bathrooms. I’ve been known, when in a drunken angry stupor, to go from stall to stall soaking anything within eyeshot. But in those situations I am a) in a spot I will  never return to, and b) blatantly disrespecting people I hope never to see again.

But work is different, no? I mean, we are all kinda in it for the long haul under that one roof. Why would someone literally “shit where they eat”?

You want examples?… I’ve got plenty. But you might want to put down that sandwich before you read on. (more…)

True then, true now

I cant stand those “bud” earphones that tuck into your ears. I am one of the 6 billion people with an I-Pod, and I guess that’s what Sony throws in with the package.

One of the annoying things is when a friend has a good song on his I-Pod, so he gives you his buds and asks you to, “Take a listen.”

Know what I do when that happens?

I tell my pal that I have a real problem mixing ear-wax with him and that he’s got a better chance of me blowing him than me putting those things in my ears. There isn’t a song made that would make me share ear fluids with another dude. Just not happening.

Plus I like those big ass headphones that DJ’s wear. Feel like I’m in a “musical cocoon” when I slip them big sons-of-bitches on.

Take a report.


What’s Moby Dick’s father’s name again?

It seems there’s a man in New York suing the makers of BOOST Energy Drink, saying the product was the reason he has had an erection lasting over 2 years.  Apparently the drink had set off a legit medical condition called “priapism” and this gentleman has gone through two invasive operations in hopes of easing his condition.

The management staff here at Takeareport (me) find this story fascinating on many levels, so I decided to send my 2 new roving reporters, David Hyde Pierce and John Amaechi, out into the field to get an interview with this afflicted man.

When I gave them this assignment, David Hyde Pierce said, “I’m on it, Large. Really, I AM ON IT.” Then John told me, “I’m all over this one, boss.” Then David said, “I’m gonna get a real feel for this one.” 

Then John said, “I’ll really get down to the nuts and bolts here.”  Then David said, “I’ll put this one to bed for sure.”  Then John said, “I’ll have a real taste for this one by the time I’m done.” Then David said,
“I might have to ride this one for a while before I can get to the bottom.” Then John said, “I’ll let this guy put pink ribbons in my hair and walk me on a leash, Large.” (not familiar with that expression) Then David said, “I’ll suck the skin off this one, chief.” So I said, “I get it guys! You’re gay! It’s cool… but now go get me an interview!”

When I asked our third new roving reporter, the recently unemployed Rosie O’Donnell, if she had any interest covering this story, she said, “Nah…. But maybe I can cover the 3 alarm blaze at the dildo
factory in Hoboken?” Yeah, sure. You do that, Rosie.

Random homosexual innuendo, take a report!

Oh. And by the way. TAR is now brought to you by our new
sponsor, BOOST Energy Drink… “BOOST Energy: We Give You Two-Year


“THE” OSU reality

“Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all?”
-Samuel Butler

I pose this question to “THE” Ohio State University. We have all rooted for losing teams, some of us have even sat with proverbial “tears in our beers” as our favorite football/hoops team loses in a championship game, but to drop two chances at National Championships in 3 months? That is terrible. Especially when you
factor in OSU’s “alleged” talent pool (College Football’s Heisman Trophy winner Troy Smith, and the basketball team’s 47 year old Freshman sensation, Greg Oden).  

Some Buckeye fans might argue that just getting to the big game is exciting enough. These same people probably agree that just being nominated for an Oscar is accomplishment enough. But I think sitting in front of a TV watching your team get smoked in the BCS 41-14 by Urban Meyer’s Gators then get raped again in March Madness by those same Gators (this time led by the effeminate Joachim Noah) is like
sucking a tit through a sweater.

Ohio State… Take a fucking report.

– Large

[1st Takeareport post]