Take A Report

#3 on the “Top 5 Celebrities I Would Like To See Dead” is Jennifer Lopez.

Our pop culture throws around the word “diva” pretty lightly nowadays.  What makes this chick a diva?  The fact that she used to blow P Diddy?  As far as I’m concerned J-lo is Rosie Perez with a better voice.

I pine for the days when she was just a former “Fly Girl” with a big old ass.

Married to Marc Anthony, who happens to annoy the shit out of me too… The guy looks and sounds like a little wet rat.  Instead of fixing flats outside the Holland Tunnel, he’s shopping for fucking Maybachs.  I don’t get it.

Diane Sawyer interviewed J-Lo a couple weeks ago and avoided the question of whether or not she was pregnant… Why the fuck does a legitimate newswoman like Diane Sawyer have to dance around any issue with this whore?  Sawyer has interviewed Heads of State during wartime, but now she’s handling a knocked-up Puerto Rican with kid-gloves?  Why the fuck is that? 

 ’Don’t be fooled by the rocks that I got.’
 ’I'm just, I’m just a no talent whore.’

Hey, “Jenny From The Block”.  Do us all a favor and take a slug to the face just like Selena did. 

Take a report.

-Large

Went to Party City on Saturday night with my wife and kids to buy my 3-year old a Superman costume for Halloween.  Figured we’d avoid the rush so I got there around 8:30, right before they closed.

So I am walking around Party City with my whole clan trying to decide whether I want to pay up for a Superman costume that has “muscles included”…

For the handful of readers who may not know, “Party City” is a chain of party supply stores and they do a big costume section each Halloween. I mention this because I don’t want any of my European brethren thinking I frequent clubs with names like “Party City” and drop ecstasy and drink $500 bottles of vodka in some VIP section with my wife and kids. First off, that would be immoral, and secondly, my youngest son can’t stand the taste of vodka.

Like I said, I am walking around the store and there are maybe 2 dozen kids looking at/trying on costumes, and there are 3 reoccurring themes throughout the group:
 1) Almost every kid was female
 2) They were all around 13 or 14 years old (I know this because I asked the sales-lady how old these kids were, and she said, “Around 13 or 14.”)
 3) They were all buying the sluttiest costumes I have ever seen

Now I know I sound like I’m 100 years old, but why would a parent let their 13 year old daughter dress up like the fucking St. Pauli Girl? Every costume these pre-pubescent teens were buying involved thigh highs fishnet stockings and exposed frilly panties… which in ANY other circumstance gets my seal of approval… but on a 13 year old?

What happened to dressing up like something innocent.  Maybe a Care Bear?  Or maybe a character from Harry Potter?…. Actually they had a Harry Potter’ish costume, but the skirt was ultra short and the wand was shaped like a big brown prick.

Anyway, I walked out of the store with a brand new “muscles included” Superman costume, and just to keep it current, I’m thinking of having my kid stuff his bulge with a couple of tube socks… You know.  Just to show those 13-year olds what they’re missing.

Happy Halloween, and take a report.

-Large

***edit to add: West Side: Bitches, Witches, and Rockers

Here’s your answer, kid.

Man, I hate Seal.

Take a report.

- Large

..

I hate people who walk up the escalator.  And I know I need to workout more, but escalators are there so you don’t have to walk up stairs.  So just fucking relax, and let the technology do the work.

I sometimes stand in the “left lane” on purpose, just so all the people in a rush can shoot me the stink-eye for delaying their trip by another 3 or 4 seconds.

Fuck you and take a report, Ironman… you’re taking the local today.

- Large

#4 on the “Top 5 Celebrities I Would Like To See Dead” is Lisa Marie Presley.  I saw a picture of her and her 18-year old daughter at a fashion show a couple of weeks ago, and they looked like they had one of those creepy mother-daughter open relationships where they might share dildos and shit.  Just fucking creepy.

And the fact that she was married to that douchebag, Nic Cage for 3 months is just an afterthought when you consider that she was also married to Michael Jackson for almost 2 years. 

She had to have blown him somewhere in that time, right?  What do you think that freak’s hog looks like?… All limp and pale and covered in rhinestones? 

And you know who else I think would agree with me that this broad should die?  Elvis Presley, that’s who.  I don’t have any daughters but I think having one of your little girls come home married to a half-albino pedophile would be reason enough for any father to snap.  Plus we’re
talking about Elvis.  That fat fuck was always so hopped up on meds that little Lisa wouldn’t have stood a chance if she brought the King Of Pop to dinner at Graceland.

So fuck you, Lisa Marie Presley.  Instead of making terrible albums, or marrying anymore random freakshows, why not do us all a favor and throw yourself in front of a bus?

Take a report.

-Large

Now you see this picture? 

If you surf the net as much as I do, you get fucking bombarded with “up-skirt moments”, where female celebs are snapped inadvertently flashing their squirrels as they get out of cars. 

Shit, I think it was up-skirt shots of Britney that jump-started her downward spiral in the public eye.  Tragic.

But there’s a remedy… Just wear some fucking underwear when you leave the house.  Look at this shot of “Friday Night Lights” star, Minka Kelly.  Here she deftly avoids the snatch of infamy by covering her genitals with a sexy leopard print thong.  And I gotta tell you… 9 times out of 10, I would rather be flashed by an animal print pair of panties, than see what the majority of today’s celebrities really have under the hood.  From what I’ve witnessed, the average female celebrity’s undercarriage looks like the face of a Shar-Pei who was left in the bath too long. 

No thanks, Wrinkles, but thank you very much, Minka.

Take a report.

-Large

I think I’m going to do something a little different this week, a continuous piece of content in the form of a “Top 5″ list.  I read alot of websites and I enjoy counting down the Top 25 Worst Album Covers of All Time, or the 10 Most Popular Sexual Positions for the Clergy,  so, fuck it… I’m gonna give it a whirl.

This week’s countdown is going to be “The Top 5 Celebrities That I (Large) Would Like To See Dead”… catchy, right?  And I don’t mean celebrities who are so inherently evil, that they might actually be the target of vigilante killers (like OJ).  I just mean people who have been in the headlines at one point or another who annoy me so much, that I feel this planet would be better off if they were no longer on it. 

Got it?…  Good. (and feel free to lob in any suggestions to the Comment page)

So here we go… the “Top 5 Celebrities I Want Dead- #5″ is magician, David Blaine.

In a week where we found out that Professor Dumbledore was gay and that David Copperfield moonlights as a very wealthy rapist, wouldn’t it have been nice to hear that David Blaine caught an exotic strain of SARS or something?  This guy just annoys the shit out of me. 

Whether it’s standing in a block of ice for 61 hours, standing on top of a 27 meter post for 35 hours, being buried alive, or spending a week inside a water-filled glass sphere,  the guy just doesn’t impress me.  I just can’t seem to forget the fact that a couple years ago he was just some weird guy who followed Leonardo DiCaprio around, doing card tricks, and trying to pick up any “castaway-ass” from Leo. 

The most interesting thing about Blaine is the fact he’s half-Jewish and half-Puerto Rican kid from Brooklyn, which makes me wonder where his parents got married… maybe the parking lot at Shea Stadium?  Who the fuck knows?  But what I do know, is that I don’t like David Blaine, and I would like to see him dead.

And what’s the downside of having this annoying prick die?  A bunch of magic enthusiasts would hold midnight vigils for a week or two, pretending to levitate, and guessing one another’s card.  I could live with that.  Because sooner or later these misfits would have to return to their jobs at the local comic book store, and David Blaine would become a magically distant memory.

So for your next trick, Dave, I suggest you camp out in Macy’s window and try to survive a shotgun blast to the face, you annoying fuck.

Take a report.

-Large

And now my third and final pick for the weekend:

Auburn -17 at home vs Mississippi.

I still think Auburn is a better team then their 5-3 record reflects, but they “get up” for big games and “play down” against lesser opponents.

Ole Miss (2-6) is definitely a lesser opponent, so I’m thinking Auburn will play less like a “Tiger” and more like “”a sleeping kitten wrapped around a beautiful tit”… which makes this picture incredibly apropos, don’t you think?

Hotty Toddy, Gosh almighty!  I’ll take the Rebels and the 17 pernts.

Good luck, again, and take another report.

-Large