Take A Report

I used to like Chris Berman. But now I think he’s a little bitch.

Jesus!

Take a report.

-Large

 I hope Eli’s protection holds up… I hear that Hilton chick is a bit promiscuous.

Take a report.

-Large & Karl

I may be out of my mind, but doesn’t this girl look like a cross between Anna Nicole Smith and that kid who played Adam Sandler’s son in “Big Daddy”?

Fucking weird, right?

Take a report.

-Large

..

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People have been asking me what I’ve got planned for Superbowl Sunday…

I don’t know… Probably just hang out on the couch with some friends, same as last year.

Take a report.

-Large

Great job, everyone - $20,000 and counting!  Greg Kline forwarded this message for everyone who contributed at the TAR Christmas party/Support the Troops through Music benefits at Bar9.  :

Items that have shipped thus far to our troops:
For Safety:
Magnification Scopes
Garmin GPS Tracking Systems
High-Sensitivity Metal Detectors
Chest Rigs
Outer Plates for BP Vests
Radio Pouches
Machine Gun Slings

For Morale:
Basketball Hoops
Air Mattresses

Thank you for your continuous support. The generosity received from the “Support the Troops through Music” benefit concerts is truly remarkable.

It lifts our spirits to see such a sincere group of people getting together and bringing truth to the expression “Support our Troops”.

Sincerely,
2nd Platoon, Bayonet Company
Patrol Base Lion’s Den, IRAQ

(more…)

OPERATOR: 911… can I help?

HP: He’s back! [untelligble screaming] He’s hiding in a dumpster!

OPERATOR: Okay, Hayden. Just calm down. Tell me what you’re seeing?

HP: Well, it’s definitely that guy “Admin” from that creepy website, and I think he’s got his cock out…no, wait, that’s a minicam.

OPERATOR: Okay Hayden, we are sending a squad car. In the meantime, whatever you do, DO NOT bend over for anything!

HP: Ooops. Too late.

Too late, indeed. Nice job, Admin.

Take a report.

-Large

Couple of people asked for my take on Heath Ledger, so here we go…

I have nothing against the guy. Still not sure how he died, though. First it was suicide. Now it’s an overdose. I heard there was an unlicensed masseuse involved (he accidentally requested an “un”-happy ending perhaps?). And now I understand that one of the Olsen twins was in an adjacent bathroom masturbating throughout the whole ordeal… Okay. I made that last one up. But I wouldn’t put it past those deviant bitches.

Still, the young man is dead, and that’s an unfortunate tragedy for his friends and family.

But you know what? I have a problem with the way this kid has been eulogized by the media. Specifically, I take umbrage with this widespread storyline: “Ledger’s career will be most remembered for his heroic portrayal of a homosexual cowboy in Brokeback Mountain”.

“Heroic portrayal”? Really? This prick was paid millions of dollars to pretend to bang Jake Jellyhall in the ass, and I’m supposed to pin the term “hero” on him? Fuck that.

“Interesting”?… Maybe. But “heroic”?… Blow me.

How do you think an inner city ER doctor, or a soldier fighting in a desert overseas feels about our use of the term heroic relating to a 28 year-old millionaire with drug problems who never worked a full day in his life?

You want to know where you can look to find a real hero?… I have 2 words for you “Village” and “People”.

By the way, I am reading a timeline of Heath’s career, and apparently his character in Brokeback was named “Ennis del Mar”. That’s just one “P” away from being “Pennis del Mar”, which may or may not be italian for “penis of the sea”… That made me giggle for some reason.

Rest in peace, little-Pennis, and take a report.

-Large

Junior Seau: “Tommy, you win us just one more game and finally get me that ring, and I promise you’ll forget all about that Giselle once I put some ‘Seau-stank’ on your hang-low.”

Tom Brady: “Not sure what that means, Junior, but thanks very much.”

Take a report.

-Large