Take A Report

I’ve just been made aware that March is “Women’s History Month”. And apparently CNN.com is polling it’s readers to see who they would think is the best spokeswoman for the month. Oprah Winfrey is currently in the lead with 34% of the vote, followed by Hillary Clinton at 21%, and Jayde Nicole at 14%.

Well, I say we go in a different direction. Here’s my choice…

Women’s History Month- “Just turn around, show your thong, and smile…bitch.”

Take a report.

-Large

By the way, when is “Fat Bald Irish Guy’s History Month”?

Time to declare one, Large? - admin

Today brings and end to Black History Month, and I think the one underlying theme we should all take away after a month of reflection on racial harmony is best summed up on this young urbanite’s t-shirt…

No matter what the color of your skin might be, we are all brothers and sisters in God’s eyes. So let’s work together to keep the real enemy - the police… or if you prefer the “po-po”… or better yet, the “Five-O”, out of our fucking bidness.

Take a report.

-Large

Almost March, but it’s still feeling a lot like winter. So maybe you’re thinking of squeezing one last ski/snowboarding weekend before springtime?

I know this poor bastard wishes he didn’t.

Take a report.

-Large

Thought this was a great picture of an individual whose athletic prowess I’ve admired ever since I was a young boy. Consummate professional in every sense of the word. Probably taught many a young man about the true art of “ball handling”.

Everyone is a “fan” of somebody at one point in their life, whether it be an athlete, an entertainer, or maybe even a celebrity… And as far back as I can remember, I’ve only been a true “fan” of this very gifted individual.

There’s only one Denise Vilani, ladies and gentlemen. This picture is evidence enough to explain my everlasting admiration.

By the way, does anyone know who the hell that gigantic black guy is?

Take a report.

-Large

Walked through Chinatown the other day. That place is a fucking disgrace.

What’s going on in that slum? It’s so filthy, it’s despicable. And it’s filled with illegal immigrants operating illegal businesses. As I become more and more convinced that my career is over, I am always contemplating opening a bar, a restaurant, or maybe a gay brothel, but I’m always intimidated by the amount of legal hoops you have to jump through for health codes, alcohol licenses, etc. These people don’t have those same concerns?… All you need is garage on Canal Street and you can sell knock-off SeanJohn clothes, bootleg movies, or human kidneys. Aren’t knock-offs and bootlegs illegal? They certainly sound like they are.

It amazes me that the place has never experienced the “renaissance” that you sometimes see in other shitholes throughout NYC. I’ve been going there since I was a kid, and it’s still the disgusting mess it was 30 years ago. Instead of stepping in dog shit or bum vomit, Chinatown always poses the threat that you might step in duck blood, or fucking shark lung, or some other exotically disgusting shit… It’s fucking creepy.

And it’s not like you would have to conduct some intense undercover sting operation to clean the place up. I walked 3 blocks around the foot of the Brooklyn Bridge and in 20 minutes I was offered a fake Gucci bag, some Roman Candles, a cooked duck hanging by it’s neck in a filthy window, and a fish tank full of baby turtles that I’m pretty sure are poisonous to the touch . Shit, if the NYPD doesn’t have the manpower to clean out that dump, then they can gladly borrow some of the prick Jersey cops who spend most of their careers pulling guys like me over for doing 36 in a 25 at 5:30 in the fucking morning.

And this is by no means a condemnation on the broader Chinese culture. China consistently pumps out the world’s finest mathematicians and dry-cleaners, and I appreciate that. So don’t come down my fucking highway, Charlie, because my kung-fu is strong. I only wish that the cleaner part of the Chinese race would ban together and work out a formula that will cleanup what is essentially the asshole of New York City.

Oh. And while their at it, maybe they can teach old Chinese guys how to shave. It seems like every Chinaman over 75 grows those 5 or 6 long-ass gray hairs out of the side of their chins. It’s off-putting to look at. Confucius says, “Trim those fucking things or at least tie them together with a fucking ribbon, you old bastard.”

Take a Lee-pore.

-Large

I found this clip amusing. And with Passover rapidly approaching, it seemed appropriate.

I think it’s an ad for a German eye-doctor.

Nearsighted Nazi cock-suckers, take a report.

-Large

“Pittsburgh Mike” and “Dick Goesinya” - same guy. Kind of sad, really. This isn’t the first time someone’s been nabbed having conversations with themselves (previous post) on TAR, might not be the last - but warning is served: no more! I’m like the rent-a-cop from your college campus, most the time you can stroll right by and break the rules because this fat simp ain’t gonna chase you, but sooner or later I’m gonna bust you - and instead of going on report, you’re gonna take a report.

- admin

Special thanks to everyone who’s been sending in recommendations for future inductees to our regular Monday column, Ass From The Past. And even though there are dozens of names requested so far, one name that’s come up quite a bit is Kelly LeBrock.

Now AFTP’s are not given away easily. And one of the criteria is that our honorees have to look somewhat decent right now. Maybe not “sexy”, but they certainly have to had withstood the sands of time with a certain degree of attractiveness.

Take a look at this recent picture of LeBrock…

No offense to Kelly or any of her fans (I think they are called ‘LeBrock-ettes’), but she looks fucking terrible. No way does she have the right to wear a tight jumpsuit like that in public, and those boots just make her look like a fucking Wookie.

No doubt she was the shit back in the day. And no doubt her shower scene in Weird Science caused a rumble in my adolescent loins, but now she looks like Kristie Alley with better lips.

No AFTP for you, Fatty.

Try ordering a small fries every now and again, and take a fucking report.

-Large