Take A Report

Man, this picture brings me back to my college days.

Large’s 4 Roomates: Yeah… Uh, Large… good news…the girls tell us Eleanor likes you.

Me: Really? [15 sec. later] Cool jeans, Eleanor.  Your total disregard for makeup and haircare products are really working for you. Wanna get out of here and hit a Pizza Hut?

Take a report.

-Large

Admin’s been uncled. Brother Dif officially attained the rank of “family man” with the birth of his daughter Clara this morning, both mother and baby are well.

Though I have no kids (or wives) I believe the family man, a figure I both envy and laugh at, is the bread and butter of TAR readership. Large must be striking a chord with this woeful, yet noble breed that toils endlessly on behalf of their loved ones.

Real happy for Clara and her mom.  Oh, and it was great knowing my brother. He was awesome!

-admin

I’ve written about this tall drink of water before, but Elle Macpherson turned an amazing 45 years-old on Saturday and so I felt compelled to make her this week’s Ass From The Past.

Did you know that Elle was born in New South Wales with a fat and boring name, Eleanor Nancy Gow?

She made her acting debut in the 1994 movie Sirens, where showing her rack got her a controversial “top billing” on the official movie poster, eclipsing more established actors in the film (Hugh Grant, Corey Haim, Kate Fischer, and Portia de Rossi). On-screen nudity agreed with Macpherson so much that she appeared naked in Playboy later on that year.

Her most controversial acting to date is the 2001 Showtime miniseries A Girl Thing. In it she appears in several bi-sexual nude love scenes with Steven Speilberg’s wife, Kate Capshaw. And since that time, Speilberg has exclusively masturbated to footage of his wife getting banged by Elle Macpherson. How convenient for him.

Look at Elle at last year’s MTV Movie Awards. Apparently she still hits the gym.

Congrats Elle, and if anyone is looking for me I can be found scouring the web for a box-set of the 2001 Showtime miniseries A Girl Thing (although that lucky prick, Spielberg probably owns them all by now).

Take a report.

-Large

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Nothing says, “I fucking love it!” like beating off a wax statue of Samuel Jackson, and then posting it on your MySpace page. Good work.

Take a report.

-Large

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So it seems there was some sort of Spy-Ware upgrade launched Tuesday night, so Wednesday morning thousands of loyal readers (myself included) were locked out from reading takeareport at work. A couple of “bulge bracket” firms were among the restricted, and at least one buy-side server.

Fucking shame because when you think about it, who the fuck is this site hurting? Maybe there’s an argument that I slow down productivity slightly during the day, but does anybody believe that the lack of productivity is equal to the good morale that is caused as a result of people actually laughing at their desks?

It really is fucking ridiculous. Companies are going to fucking zero, but some jerk-off is gonna get a “gold-star” because he stopped the Big-Bad-takeareport-Guys from polluting the minds of his employees.

And you know what especially sucks? Those poor bastards over at Bear got blocked… I really got a kick out of the fact that a couple dozen readers over there were still digging the site even though they are in pretty dire straits. And now that’s fucking ripped away. Talk about salt on a fucking wound.

What is this… Communist Russia?

We are all fucking adults, and I think that if an employer doesn’t think his employee can be productive without an internet “Big Brother”, then maybe they should fire said employee, because, chances are, he was a moron to begin with.

The Admin is cooking up a way to get around this whole mess, but until it’s worked out, here’s a secret squirrel move a buddy of mine gave me…think about cut and pasting the info below and sending it to your cyber afflicted friends…

1) Log on to www.blockedsiteaccess.com
2) Go half-way down the page.
3) Delete where it says “www.Myspace.com”
4) And type in “www.takeareport.com”

If blockedsiteaccess.com is also restricted in your workplace, just Google it, because there are a bunch of sites that offer a free way around restrictions (www.unblocksitesnow.com is another good one).

Also try…virtual-browser.com - it looks like a quality backdoor site.

Corporate America is essentially telling me and the Admin to “go sit in the back of the bus”, and I’m telling you right now, they can go fuck themselves if they think we’re gonna just lie down and let this happen.

Thanks for your patience as we work to relieve this oppression beset upon us by “The Man”, and take a fucking report.

-Large

Got a little news today that made me pretty happy…

A couple weeks ago, a buddy of mine at work passed along our site to a friend serving overseas in Iraq. And from an email forwarded to me yesterday we learn that takeareport.com has become part of the everyday routine for the men (and maybe women? I honestly have no idea if there are any chicks… err… I mean “Officer Chicks” in this group) of the Combined Joint Special Operations Task Force - Arabian Peninsula (or CJSOTF-AP, if you prefer acronyms)… They are a group made up exclusively of Army Green Berets and Navy SEALs that are stationed together in camps all over Iraq.

Now me and the Admin have had this site for about 10 months. And in that time, we’ve given very few “shout-outs”. But I think when TAR’s cult following starts to include the likes of government trained killing machines? Well. Then maybe a couple lines of recognition are in order.

Green Berets and Navy SEALs are the shit. Everybody knows it. So I think it’s an honor that a handful of them are fans. And I also find it equally frustrating that these guys are able to pull up the site daily in a fucking desert while my internet connection at home goes down twice a week.

In all honesty, if I had my way there would be nobody over there fighting this war. I have two young sons, and the thought of them being shipped off to a far away land to possibly get killed by an exploding camel makes my stomach turn. But since nobody gives a fuck about what I have to say, and since there are still thousands of young Americans fighting overseas, then I can only hope that they kill as many enemies possible… quickly and efficiently… and then get their asses back Stateside so they can bang the shit out of drunk college girls.

Anyone who reads this site knows that I don’t ask for much… I mean (and I’ve mentioned on numerous occasions), with 25 million hits so far, we have miraculously avoiding making ANY money AT ALL with this website… But if there is a C.J.S.O.T.F.-A.P. reading T.A.R. right N.O.W., then I would like to ask a favor… Maybe the next time you have a filthy Arab hostile in your sights. Or maybe if you have a knife pressed to one of their throats. Or even if you have you’re finger in the pin of a grenade you’re about to throw into one of their rat-holes. Then maybe, just maybe, before you pull the trigger, or plunge the knife, or throw the grenade, you can yell, “Take a report, you filthy cocksuckers!”

Shit, I grew up watching war movies, and just thinking that there’s a chance my little tag-line was the war cry for a couple Green Berets?… Well that gets me pumped-the-the-fuck-up. I might even do a few sit-ups… Not now of course… Maybe tomorrow… Actually tomorrow is probably bad too… But end of next week, I am definitely doing some sit-ups… Or maybe week after next.

And what will I give you in return for killing some hostiles in the name of takeareport? Well I guess maybe a racy pic to put a little extra “ammo in your rifles”… If you know what I mean.

Thanks for reading.

Thanks for fighting.

God bless you all.

And take a fucking report!

-Large

How do you leave the house dressed like this?

Imagine walking down the street with your daughter, and this guy walks by wearing pants where your little girl could actually see the definition of the veins running up the shaft of his cock? Well, it would take more than a couple of this freak’s friends to pull all 300 pounds of me off of him.

Plus you just don’t wake up sporting that perfect “fishhook” formation this son-of-a-bitch’s got going on. He must be adjusting that thing all fucking day. And his right nut must be all but dead from lack of circulation, right?

Great sandals, though.

Enjoy your Zima and take a fucking report.

-Large

Overlooked in all the media hubbub about Brett Favre’s retirement is the startling fact that the Green Bay Packer’s starting safety is named Atari Bigby.

Think about that.

This kid was born in 1981, which was pretty close to the height of popularity for the Atari video-game console. I mean, everyone either had, or knew someone who had, an Atari back in the 80’s. Why the fuck would this kid’s parents name him after a computer? It’s the equivalent of me naming my son “I-Pod”.

Maybe that’s why Bigby is such a sick athlete… He had to get strong and quick as a kid to protect himself from all the potential bullies who lurked in the playground waiting to call him “Nintendo” Bigby or some other juvenile shit. That train of thought also works with Dick Butkus… That guy had to be a monster, no? Imagine going through life as a 120 pound weakling named “Dick” and “Butt-kiss”?

And don’t tell me the Atari moniker is a “black thing” either, because this guy’s full name is Atari David Bigby. So cancel out the “Atari” madness, and you’re left with David Bigby, which is the same name as my Jewish accountant.

Maybe the people who give out the birth certificates should get together with the people who give out car license plates… the DMV seems to do a pretty good job denying frivolous plate requests, maybe they can do the same for moron parents who want to name their kids after inanimate objects. Because the last thing I need is to be stuck in traffic behind some guy named Atari driving a Ferrari (that rhymes, by the way) with a license plate that reads LUV-KUNTZ.

Take a report.

-Large

PS- I also know a girl whose first name is Advil… Which is equally disgraceful.