Take A Report

I totally get this chick.

Sometimes when I get out of the shower, I prefer to air dry also.

I, however, choose not to wear a string bikini - but “to each his own” I always say.

Enjoy the weekend and take a report.

-Large

Every now and again, I like to satisfy my female audience’s “yen” for beefcake.

Enjoy, bitches!

Take a report.

-Large

The funny thing is, Elle MacPherson has been wearing this swimsuit backwards for almost a decade and nobody has ever told her. Nice job, everyone.

Now if she’ll just lose the t-shirt.

Take a report.

-Large

Did I ever mention that I’m an asshole?

Sometimes I get people on the phone who are incredibly helpful, and I take advantage of them comedically (or at least what I consider comedic) for no reason… Case in point: You know I am about to go on a trip to Disney with the family. So the other day some lady calls from the hotel and asks if there is anything she can do prior to my arrival that will make my stay “extra special”. She seemed like a real sweetheart, and I honestly had nothing for her because a few people had already warned me about setting up meals and stuff in advanced. But instead of letting her go, I started requesting extra shit for no reason. I told her I would need at least 20 pillows in the suite. I requested as many towels as possible, because I have this “thing” about damp towels that just sets me off emotionally.

And then I may have crossed the line.

I told this absolute stranger that I use a “personal massager” every night, but was unable to travel with it because it’s “dagger-like” appearance never gets by customs, and I didn’t feel comfortable mailing it to the resort ahead of time. She immediately put me on hold, and about 30 seconds of listening to the Beauty and the Beast soundtrack later, a decidedly older sounding woman got on asking me if I was the guest requesting a personal massager for the room. I was mortified, but unlike most prank calls, I was unable to hang up because THEY called ME. So now I am left talking to an old woman about a vibrator I don’t need.

HER: “Excuse me, Sir. Are you the guest requesting a personal massager for your stay?”

ME: “Uh… Yes… If it’s possible. It really helps out my lower back… Especially if I play tennis.”

HER: “Sure it does… It is a charge of $89.90, it will be wrapped in brown paper and left in the Master Bedroom armoire, batteries are included, and it’s yours to keep.”

ME: “Umm… Okay… And how will that charge show up on my bill?”

HER: “Sir, I can title the charge anything you want.”

ME: “Anything?”

HER: “Yes sir… I’ll enter a title for the charge on your bill right now if you’d like.”

ME: (giggling) “Uh… Sure… Can we call it ‘Goofy’s Tail’?”

HER: (not giggling) “You got it, sir. One ‘Goofy’s Tail’ for $89.90… Now is there anything else I can help you with?”

ME: “No thank you… Good-bye.”

So now I have essentially taken a wholesome Disney vacation with the family, and turned it into a covert mission to destroy a vibrator named “Goofy’s Tail” before my wife and kids find out that I’ve been acting like an asshole to another person over the phone… All for the low-low price of just $89.90. And still, I cant stop wondering what a Walt Disney personal massager looks like. Hopefully it’s just a run-of-the-mill phallic shaft with a set of mouse ears at the base where the balls should be.

Man, am I an asshole.

Take a report.

-Large

“Alrighty now… Everybody get together and take off your shirts.”

“Okay. Now you… All the way on the far left… Put on a bra that is extremely unsexy just so you can further distance yourself from your more attractive room-mates… That’s it… Perfect.”

“Now, second to last on the right… I’m just not feeling how much of a whore you are… How about pulling down your pants, turning around, and sticking out your tongue like some goofy slut?… Good… Good.”– CLICK –

“Right. Now if I could just have you 2 grab the slut’s ass, and then have the blonde on the far right look extremely high maintenance, we’ll be ready to go.”

“Okay, now… Just perfect… Ready… Set… Cheeeeeeese!” aaaand…

Take a report.

-Large

When you’re watching professional wrestling with the sound off.

Take a report.

-Large

You know what movie is 15 years old?… True Romance.

First screenplay written by Quentin Tarrantino, who I’ve shit on before, but more for the way he looks than his writing ability.

The movie made only 11.5 million dollars in it’s initial release and was considered a flop. I can’t figure that out. I think we throw around the term “ahead of it’s time” alot, but if that movie hit theaters today - I think it would kill.

And if you can’t get this clip up at work, then watch it when you get home. If you saw it before, it’s gonna make you smile. And there’s a younger generation of readers that think Walken and Hopper are older actors who are more goofy then they are talented. And I know some 22 year old fixed income punk is not gonna read this old man’s blog and rush home to watch Deer Hunter or Apocalypse Now, but I’m telling you that the 5 minute interaction between these two dinosaurs is nothing short of genius.

For the one or two who have never seen it, there’s liberal use of the “N”-word. And if you have a problem with that, then kill yourself.

Take a report, eggplant.

-Large

This is what happens when you have young men growing up as the only children in single parent households. If this poor bastard had a dad or maybe an older brother, he would know to tuck that thing into his waistband.

Now he’s gotta go through life with the nickname “Woody”.

Take a report.

-Large