Take A Report

Au contraire, Mr. T. Please review:

Critical Mass, a loose gang of bicyclists, conducts “monthly political-protest rides” in cities around the world. While they’ve mastered the art of getting together to block traffic and yell “wooooooo” while riding (think: white guys with dreads on Schwinns) they really haven’t nailed down just what they’re protesting; for years now “corporations” have sufficed as their primary whine target. (Come to think of it, I protest corporations, too - but specific ones on behalf of TAR and totally devoid of any higher principle.)

Anyway, these guys were doing the ride the other night and NYPD rookie police officer Patrick Pogan, a 3rd generation cop, decked some asshole right off his ride. A-fucking-plus. Caught on film for our amusement, the only downside is that this right and proper de-biking has given Critical Mass a cogent focus on which to protest - and that’s “abuse of its moronic membership”.

TAFR, Christoper Long (the rider), you deserved worse.

-admin

Hannah Montana licking a black chick anyone?

Kinda looks like she’s in prison or something… Either way, Billy Ray must be pretty-fucking-proud.

Take a report.

-Large

Dear Large,

Dear Darrel C. from Virginia,

Thanks for the letter, and your wish is my command.

Enjoy!

-Large

I got drunk last Thursday.

Not fall down drunk, or even slur-my-speech drunk… But we were outdoors (not on a rooftop), it was a beautiful night, we were with a bunch of easy-going customers, and so I chased after it a little. Started with a couple of requisite vodkas and ended with a pilsner glass full of Bailey’s. But here’s the interesting thing… I drank white wine the whole time in between.

“White wine, you say, Large?”… Yes, white wine. And I’ll never fucking do it again. It was ice cold, so I drank it like beer. I didn’t eat anything, and I mixed it with a couple shots of tequila. It tore up my stomach something terrible. I slept on the floor of my bathroom until my wife woke me up and tucked me in around 3:30 or so.

— SIDEBAR: Said it before, and I’ll say it again… My wife is a fucking saint. She signed up for the whole “for better or for worse” deal, and 9 years later she waits patiently for the “better” part to kick in. Direct quote from the missus the morning after: “Are you feeling alright today, because last night you left the inside of the toilet looking like a Rorschach test.” That’s a tough road to hoe for any ordinary woman, so I’m lucky I got my hooks into someone extraordinary. —

Got in the office around 6:15 Friday morning, and thank God the place was pretty empty. Stumbled to the Mens Room near the back of my floor and I saw some boxes against the wall just outside of the can. There was a woman’s overcoat laying across the boxes. I think someone left it there to be thrown out. Or maybe someone just left it there to leave it there… I really have no fucking idea. Anyhoo, I grab the coat and bring it into the handicap stall. I take a dump… I throw up in that same bowl… I lay the coat out on the floor of the spacious stall… I take off my glasses… I sleep for twenty minutes on top of the coat… I get up… Put on my glasses… Leave the coat in the stall… Gargle… And walk back to my desk thinking to myself, “What kind of disgraced animal steals a stranger’s coat and sleeps on it in a public bathroom?”

Take a report on me.

-Large

The Girl-I-Found-Today is Bianca Beauchamp…

She’s a Canadian fetish model who specializes in latex pictorials… And I’m guessing you don’t have alot of them floating around your office.

Enjoy, and take a report.

-Large

When a guy would pass out drunk in college we used to write on his face with a marker…

But kids today are so much cooler…

Take a report.

-Large

PS… However, we here at takeareport.com do not condone the gluing of your own freshly shaved pubic hair onto your passed-out drunk roommate’s eyebrows…

No doubt, it’s very funny. But it’s also very, very wrong.

Somebody asked me to consider Justine Bateman for What The Fuck?- Wednesday, but I don’t know… Do you think she looks so terrible?

A better question might be - Did she ever look really good?

I mean, she was INFINITELY better looking than Tina Yothers, but I don’t think I’m alone in saying that Bateman couldn’t hold a candle to her TV mom, Meredith Baxter Birney…That hippy-freak had it all!

So I think Bateman gets a pass here. No doubt she’s looking more and more like an environmentalist lesbian, but I think she’s always had that club in her bag, so I’m not gonna shit on her anymore… Plus her brother (who I always thought might have top-ticked in Teen Wolf Too) has been fucking hilarious lately. I just watched him in The Kingdom and Smoking Aces, and he just about carries both of those flicks.

Then who is this week’s WTF-Wednesday?

I say we go with Brigitte Bardot. She’s widely considered as the first “sex kitten” of the silver screen, but went from being regaled as “the Princess of Pout, the Countess of Come Hither”…

To some crazy looking old lady who looks like she owns 30 cats.

Take a report.

-Large

We all know what a MILF is, but that douchebag David Beckham’s mom is a MILTFGTUSMB… “Mother I’d Like To Feed Goats To Under Some Mythical Bridge”. She looks like Gollum in a wig.

Take a report.

-Large