The Brown Mile

Let me ask you a rhetorical question… In our business, is there any doubt that we spend more waking hours in our offices than we do anywhere else?

the kill zoneNow let me ask you something else… Then why are some people such fucking degenerates when it comes to using the bathrooms at work?

And don’t get me wrong. If I am in a bar in Manhattan and I just don’t like the place… Or maybe I felt that I was ripped off by them in some way… Or maybe I don’t like the clientele I am surrounded by, then I have no reservations in pissing all over their bathrooms. I’ve been known, when in a drunken angry stupor, to go from stall to stall soaking anything within eyeshot. But in those situations I am a) in a spot I will  never return to, and b) blatantly disrespecting people I hope never to see again.

But work is different, no? I mean, we are all kinda in it for the long haul under that one roof. Why would someone literally “shit where they eat”?

You want examples?… I’ve got plenty. But you might want to put down that sandwich before you read on.

* First off, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone into a stall at work, closed the door behind me, and witnessed a collection of freshly picked snot smushed onto the door and walls. I cant even blame the cleaning crew for not chiseling it away often enough, because i think the same group of fucking animals replace these displays every day. What’s the draw to that? Are you just sitting there, taking a dump with your finger buried in your nose, and you’re just so god-damn proud of the trophy you just pulled out that you feel compelled to share it with the rest of us? Even if your act remains totally anonymous, how the fuck do you go back to your desk and face the guys you sit with, when you know there’s a good chance one of them is gonna wrangle with the petri-dish you left in stall three? It’s worse than grammar school.

* Secondly… Leaving shit all over the bowl. Believe me. I’ve been in certain bathroom situations that can only be described as “explosive”, and even though I joke around about them on this site, I would NEVER leave a stall without at least trying to do some damage control on the way out. Sometimes a prolonged “maintenance flush” is all that’s needed, but sometimes i have to get a little “hands on” and remove some of my personal “debris” from a spot where others might unfairly come in contact with it.

* And lastly… Sometimes I am taking a leak, and the front rim of the urinal looks like the floor of a fucking Harlem barbershop. Is it just a couple of hairy italians shedding their winter pubic coats? I have no fucking idea. But I do know if i stepped away from a urinal and noticed that I left a handful of “fur” behind me, then I’d probably be inclined to push it into the water and give it a courtesy flush out of the immediate area.

By the way, I am only speaking for the Men’s Room. I hope to God that even though our society strives to blur the lines that separate the sexes, the fairer sex isn’t desecrating company bathrooms in the same manner.

And please, somebody out there tell me that it is the same situation at your office. Because I would hate to think that God hates me soooo much that he’s condemned me to work in the only place of business filled with fucking third graders.

I’ll tell you one more thing… People who know me, know I am the farthest thing away from being a tough guy, but let me catch the prick or pricks who do or does these things. I will make sure anybody who will listen knows what type of a fucking cretin you are, and then I will commit acts of vandalism on you that will at best teach you a lesson, but at the very least will make me feel better. Because you, sir, have put me in a situation that is not only disrespectful, but also unhealthy, so your punishment will be swift and severe. Maybe I will wrestle up a posse and get all weird on your ass… I haven’t fully thought it out yet.

You see? Now I got myself so worked up, that I gotta take a dump. Wish me luck.

Take a report.


47 Replies to “The Brown Mile”

  1. you are definitely not alone. i work in one of the bank buildings in midtown and the bathroom stalls on our floor a) are always shit-stained at the least if not left with floaters/diarrhea remains and above-the-water-line debris and b) have seats covered in piss from the guys who are too scared to use the urinals but too lazy/germ-phobic to raise the fucking seat.

    i knew it was you pissing all over the bathrooms in those bars, large.

  2. You hit the nail on the head. My office facility was filled with snot-nose stalls! Worse than some frathouse! These weirdo wimps would never make it in…ahh lets say a New York City Firehouse, where they would actually have to clean the bathroom once in a while! TAR rules!

  3. It is scary how spot on this post is. I have one more thing to add but i think fuckface already touched on it. I love the guys that use the stalls to take a piss and piss all over the seat and then complain when they need to make a porcelain picasso!!!! i really hope they cant make it to the next floor to “release”. I really hope they have to sit in their own piss and wind up with diseases that they cant explain to their wives!!!!

  4. Large.. These idiots are farm animals we had a greenie on the wall for two friggin weeks when I finally hung a note with a big arrow pointing to it that read..Please clean me off of here I have been on this wall for 2 weeks.. Its the same idiots that don’t wash their hands upon leaving.. filthy amimals
    Now with that some more talent. Ramps

  5. Classic line large, like the floor of a Harlem Barbershop. As for animals, I found blood on the seat and nearly hurled. I don’t even want to know how these things live at home.
    Clean up after yourself even if it is after a nap.

  6. Couldn’t agree w/u more Large. Sometimes I get into a stall psyched to take a dump the size of a rhemus monkey’s tail, sports section safely tucked under my arm when I turn around and see a friggin golden shower on the seat. I feel like putting up a sign that says: Hey You- eurotrash mo with the black & stainlees steel hedge fund $600 glasses: this is a toilet – those white things haging on the wall are urinals. Most MEN piss in them and crap in these toilets. If you’re so friggin embarrassed about another guy seeing your feeble excuse for a hang-down and must piss in one of these stalls, the least u can do is use yer friggin gucci loafers to pick up the seat. Disgusting.

  7. A few things that always get me crazy: 1) The drip collection below the half-sized urinals. These guys have to be pissing on their shoes. 2) the physical damage that gets done to doors, stall locks, paper dispensers or privacy screens. If you’re that angry, then just quit, instead of making the john look like the Port Authority. and 3) guys who don’t wash their hands. You’ll be sitting on the can wrestling a stubborn brown seal into the sea, and you’ll hear someone walk in, unzip, pee in the urinal, zip back up, flush (or not) and just walk out the door. Now I gotta get out of this room without touching the door handle, and I gotta go the rest of the day not shaking hands with any dude I work with. TAR, pig!

  8. The non washing of the hands is fucking repulsive! And how about those selfish pricks who decide it is there right to light up a smoke while they shit. Ya know, when I am touching cotton and have no choice but to relieve myself at work, I would like to enjoy myself as well. That does not consist of inhaling some jerk off’s second hand smoke!! So to all of you guilty of this violation of my self enjoyment… go fuck yourselves!! You feelin me large??

  9. i traded on the AMEX (shithole in it of itself) and “they” would hold the annual booger contest in the bathroom above the DK room. Bloody boogers seemed to be at the top of voters list. our bathrooms here are fucking nasty, nothing but animals. The 6 months i had a colostomy bag was a blessing !!!

  10. i agree w/ everything stated here, especially the cock smokers who cant seem to get it in the urinal; but i think the chicks have it bad too. imagine having to deal with all the dirty hooks puking after every meal and you have to sit down to piss everytime. unless your a herm, then i guess you have options… still fucking gross.

  11. Dear Sir, I work just on the other side of NY in the lovely state of Connecticut in a building filled with Hedge Funds. I have seen some of the most disgusting displays of incosideration for the next person walking into that stall than any bathroom I’ve frequented on a regular basis (including working at the CME). You would think that the amount of comp. that the people in this building make would make them a better class but it is certainly not the case. Even with a laser sensor flush, gentleman still find a way to leave a toilet for of crap and tp w/ the lid completly covered in piss. I say to those guilty of such a vile act: “For shame! For shame!

  12. Honestly, I couldn’t get thru that entire blog in one sitting. It’s no fault of the context, just my own A.D.D. Plus Large, I couldn’t wait another minute to alert you to a website right up your alley. We actually found this while researching the miami anal bleeching company that you were so kind as to make us aware of.

  13. fatty: I used to work on the AMEX with some of the oldest, crustiest clerks on the planet, up in the risers. I was an inch close to beating the shit out of Arthur Hartigan in the DK room. It remains my life’s greatest regret. Not sure what happened to him, but my guess is that he died in that bathroom after eating bloody boogers.

  14. I didn’t realize that the majority of readers on this site were lily white pansy debutants that get a case of the vapors when their facilities don’t meet the standards they were used to during their boarding school years. My suggestion to all you Little Lord Fauntleroy’s is to MAN UP, close your eyes take your dump and get back to work.

  15. Apparently a woman’s bathroom is worse. I’ve heard that some actually stand and squat on the toilet bowl. Shit, piss, whatever else comes out of there winds up on the seat at some point. They are so grossed out by touching any of it that they leave it there for the next victim. I think I may have just puked a little.

  16. We had the same issues in our midtown office. This was posted in the mens room and has helped a little bit.

    This is just to remind all the men who use the restrooms that there are a few basic rules of courtesy when sharing a public restroom.

    1 – Nesting “If you build it – Please take it downâ€? – There is evidence that we now have a nester on the 43rd floor. This is a person that builds a 3â€? thick base of toilet paper. If you feel the need to do this, please take the time to flush it. As you seem to be disgusted by sitting on a toilet seat like a normal person, we are equally disgusted in having to deal with your nest.

    2 – Courtesy Flush – A well-known concept that seems to be ignored on the 43rd Floor. The basic rule is if you are in there doing your business and someone else walks in, reach behind you and hit the manual flush button. This will help eliminate some of the smell.

    3 – The Timely Flush – This is the practice of reaching behind you and hitting the manual flush button when you know you are about to “Let your Ass Blow�. This is probably the worst offense of the group. You could be sitting in there doing your business and someone walks in to the stall next to you and lights it up. NOBODY wants to hear that!! Show a little respect and let the sound of a flushing toilet drown out your business.

  17. Large,
    What I hate most of all, are the douchebags who need hand towels to wipe their asses. Not only are they using the wrong tool for the job, but they almost always guarantee a toilet blockage that requires a person named Jose, Carlo, or Eduardo to come and service the bowl so that the rest of us can lose a pound or two.
    Really, is wiping your ass so difficult that you need a 10″ by 10″ industrial strength napkin to clean yourself? And doesn’t itch like a mother when you use it anyway?

    I just don’t get the joke.

  18. i just got back from our hopper and someone managed to take a dump, almost cover it with paper, then take another dump on top of it (assuming it was the same person who took the second dump), the real kicker was the purple glob next to the turd, and the bloody toilet paper. this person should be murdered…i almost lost my lunch right there.

  19. i worked at a place where the first day there i walked into the bathroom and thought someone was playing a joke on me with how gross it was. seriously i asked the head of the trading desk if it was a joke fo rthe new guy and he had no idea what i was talking about. so then i figured if you can t beat them you might as well join them and dropped the biggest upper decker you would ever see in stall one the day the company laid me off. Seriously it looked like george foremans forearm……

  20. Large….I love ya – however, take out your disappointment w/ a certain establishment another way – don’t be the douche that pisses everyone else like you off. You’re smarter than that.

  21. This is the most accurate post…the bathroom manner of professionals who work in a $80 psf 5th Ave sky scraper is unbelievable. We have a theory that there is a serial ass washer in one of our sinks…he leaves water all over the counter and [butt]hair in the sink. Additionally there are the douchebags who talk on the phone while shitting and tell the interlocutor they’re in the car–I always flush my toilet load and proud to expose them for the anal explosion dropping scumbags they are. These people need to take a courtesy report!

  22. The ladies rooms are equally bad if not worse. Resturant bathrooms aren’t normally an issue but as for the ladies room in a bar I would rather use the mens room. And yes Large this is a common problem in office across the country and it effect both the mens and womens restroom.

  23. some guy in my office insists on pissing in the stall instead of using the urinal like every other self respecting male in this country. Here is the bad part- that db can’t even have the courtesy to lift the seat so he always pisses all over the seat and then leaves it.

  24. Attention Administration: Artie Hartigan is alive and kicking, the only cocksucker i knew who smoked filter-less cigs, and balanced 2 cups of black coffee on his brief case while walking. Side note i just went in to brush my teeth and some motherfucker blew bloody slimy wet snots in the sink. I would bet it’s one of these pussy faggot french brokers we have here!!

  25. I hate that ancient midget, Artie Hartigan, with his half-finished filterless cigarettes kept in his shirt pocket to be smoked later. He is the worst smelling human in the universe (a universe that includes unwashed bums with overripe shitass).

    He loudly accused me of not being able to “get a hard” for my “cunt” girlfriend – all because I asked a dumb question about a DK’d trade. [DON KING: this is the working world once you get past the mutual butt-kissing of the interview process. Drop out and become a respected street pimp while you still can.] I was so stunned that I shoved him and he acted like it was World War III. They dragged me away while Artie screamed and cackled and threatened me, my family, my shit job, etc. I swore vengeance, yet never thought I’d get it. This happened 11 years ago.

    Artie Hartigan, take a fucking report.

  26. some tool in our office would wad up wet paper towels and wing them over the stall walls….sucks when you are catching up on football lines and get tagged in the head…kid was from west virginia which may explain his behavior

  27. Hey kids, it’s OFFICIAL! Scat postings on TAR trump sizzling vixens by at least 3-2. For the fucking life of me, I cannot fathom this, but when in Rome…

    So, which is the dirtier bird, peacock or peahen? Sure, our flexible, telescoping johnsons enable us to hose down everything from toilet stall walls to the interior of some space-hogging prick’s new F-150 (yes, I’ve had that pleasure myself). But when it comes to bio-filth, split-tails reign supreme.

    Frat houses might be messy, but a cooze-infested dwelling will culture more spirochetes than a leper colony. I’ve seen a “ladies room” wall polka-dotted with scarlet Kotexes. Why? Ask the squack in the next cubicle.

    Should there remain any doubt whatsoever, google “2girls1cup” and see video of femme foulness that would make Christ call in a missile srike.

  28. at least my firm was bot out from the place where some goofy asian fucker used to forgoe using the urinals so he could piss all over the walls of the stalls. we also got away from a guy who’d leave bloody boogers above the urinals. that was great. now we work in a fukin shithole 1950s era building in midtown that we share w/ nobody and we deal with non-flushers and stalls that are cleaned MAYBE once a week. I used to look forward to my 10am dumps but…alas, no more.

  29. In addition to the goatee on the urinal, I don’t get how there can be a piss puddle on the floor next to the urinal. Believe me, I understand that if you’re at the Raiders game and don’t feel like waiting in line for one, you whip it out and just piss on the floor (true story – 3 inch deep pond of piss. Nice). Or maybe at the airport you don’t want to get in there too close and a few drops might escape the confines of the urinal. But as Large points out, you take a little more care where you work, right? Apparently not. Our sales office has a cleaning person once a week, and it’s a no-man’s land around the urinal by Friday morning. Nothing grosser than to finish your business and walk away from the urinal with sticky shoes (or if, God forbid, I’m wearing leather soled shoes that tend to soak everything up). In my adult life, I honestly don’t remember ever missing the urinal with my stream. I’ve always found it pretty easy, but others are apparently still perfecting it. They should sit down jockey-style on the bowl until they’re ready for the big time.

  30. I re-read this entry and laughed my ass off. Good stuff. We had an MBW (Mystery Booger Wiper) at my place of employ. It provided more than a few laughs trying to catch this miscreant in the act. What made it a true mystery was that this savage would wipe his treasure NEXT TO the urinal, which was only about 3 feet off the fucking ground. We concluded the MBW must be a midget. Low and behold, one afternoon, who goes strollin’ into the bathroom whistlin’ dixie, but a “little person” that worked thre floors down. I was on my way in as well to drop anchor but I decided to pinch it (even though I was practically touching cotton). I picked the furthest urinal from him (of course) and observed this little douche shove half his fist into his nostril, draw out a long, greasy nugget, and then I watched in horror as he deposited his boog on the wall! Abso-fucking-lutley disgraceful.

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