Let me ask you a rhetorical question… In our business, is there any doubt that we spend more waking hours in our offices than we do anywhere else?
And don’t get me wrong. If I am in a bar in Manhattan and I just don’t like the place… Or maybe I felt that I was ripped off by them in some way… Or maybe I don’t like the clientele I am surrounded by, then I have no reservations in pissing all over their bathrooms. I’ve been known, when in a drunken angry stupor, to go from stall to stall soaking anything within eyeshot. But in those situations I am a) in a spot I will never return to, and b) blatantly disrespecting people I hope never to see again.
But work is different, no? I mean, we are all kinda in it for the long haul under that one roof. Why would someone literally “shit where they eat”?
You want examples?… I’ve got plenty. But you might want to put down that sandwich before you read on.
* First off, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone into a stall at work, closed the door behind me, and witnessed a collection of freshly picked snot smushed onto the door and walls. I cant even blame the cleaning crew for not chiseling it away often enough, because i think the same group of fucking animals replace these displays every day. What’s the draw to that? Are you just sitting there, taking a dump with your finger buried in your nose, and you’re just so god-damn proud of the trophy you just pulled out that you feel compelled to share it with the rest of us? Even if your act remains totally anonymous, how the fuck do you go back to your desk and face the guys you sit with, when you know there’s a good chance one of them is gonna wrangle with the petri-dish you left in stall three? It’s worse than grammar school.
* Secondly… Leaving shit all over the bowl. Believe me. I’ve been in certain bathroom situations that can only be described as “explosive”, and even though I joke around about them on this site, I would NEVER leave a stall without at least trying to do some damage control on the way out. Sometimes a prolonged “maintenance flush” is all that’s needed, but sometimes i have to get a little “hands on” and remove some of my personal “debris” from a spot where others might unfairly come in contact with it.
* And lastly… Sometimes I am taking a leak, and the front rim of the urinal looks like the floor of a fucking Harlem barbershop. Is it just a couple of hairy italians shedding their winter pubic coats? I have no fucking idea. But I do know if i stepped away from a urinal and noticed that I left a handful of “fur” behind me, then I’d probably be inclined to push it into the water and give it a courtesy flush out of the immediate area.
By the way, I am only speaking for the Men’s Room. I hope to God that even though our society strives to blur the lines that separate the sexes, the fairer sex isn’t desecrating company bathrooms in the same manner.
And please, somebody out there tell me that it is the same situation at your office. Because I would hate to think that God hates me soooo much that he’s condemned me to work in the only place of business filled with fucking third graders.
I’ll tell you one more thing… People who know me, know I am the farthest thing away from being a tough guy, but let me catch the prick or pricks who do or does these things. I will make sure anybody who will listen knows what type of a fucking cretin you are, and then I will commit acts of vandalism on you that will at best teach you a lesson, but at the very least will make me feel better. Because you, sir, have put me in a situation that is not only disrespectful, but also unhealthy, so your punishment will be swift and severe. Maybe I will wrestle up a posse and get all weird on your ass… I haven’t fully thought it out yet.
You see? Now I got myself so worked up, that I gotta take a dump. Wish me luck.
Take a report.