Take A Report

This week’s Ass From The Past was recommended by an old friend of mine, and it’s the lovely and vivacious, Donna Dixon…

Best remembered for her portrayal of “Sonny” on TV’s Bosom Buddies, she is also a former Miss Virginia, was KISS front-man Paul Stanley’s slam-piece for a short while, and has been married to that tub of goo Dan Aykroyd for almost 25 years.

— SIDE BAR THAT NOONE BUT ME MAY FIND INTERESTING: The version of Billy Joel’s “My Life”, that played over the opening credits for Bosom Buddies was sang by co-star Tom Hanks. —

Donna just recently turned 51 years-old, and is still looking like a beauty queen… Well, except for the pocket of fat surrounding her armpit… But she is 51 for Christ’s sake, so lets cut her a little slack.

Congrats, Double-D, and take a report.

-Large

Just a heads up. This week’s AFTP, Anna Kournikova, is in the latest edition of MAXIM magazine…

And from this angle, she’s looking primed for a comeback.

Take a report.

-Large

I am so fucking indecisive this week that I’m gonna give you a couple AFTP’s, and let you decide which one you like best…

Fans of Takeareport may recall the first ever Ass From The Past was the lovely Nicole Eggert, but has anyone seen the chick who played her nerdy sister on Charles In Charge lately? Her name is Josie Davis, and her career is over.

Next up is the chick who played Bruce Willis’ wife in Die Hard. It’s funny, because I remember her character’s name vividly- Holly Gennaro (McClane), but her real name, Bonnie Bedelia, escaped me completely.

Recent pictures of the 60 year-old aren’t the most flattering, but I give her a pass because I still watch Die Hard on TNT once a week, and I always look forward to her exposed bra in the vault of Nakotomi Plaza.

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You know what? Fuck it… I’m going to throw a third choice in here that I might be all alone with, but I could care less…

Her name is Connie Stevens, she just turned 70 on Friday, and she has the distinct honor of being the only guest star to bang every male member of the Love Boat… Even Isaac.

I’m hoping there’s at least a handful of guys out there who are my age and remember this old whore, because I sure do.

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So there’s your choices. It certainly is a motley crew, but then again, so is my audience.

Take a report.

-Large

Today’s Ass From The Past is kind of a lay-up… It’s Christy Turlington. She was my personal favorite of the original “supermodels” of the late 80’s, who are all pictured below — Including Stephanie Seymour there on the far left, who seems to have a much bigger backyard then I remember… Maybe it’s the camera angle.

Christy is still pretty young… She turns 40 next January… But it’s been almost 20 years since she was in the Freedom video for that homosexual deviant, George Michael, and 2 decades in and out of the public eye looking this good gets you an AFTP every time

I saw her on a billboard recently far some ad campaign for The Gap, and she looks fucking fantastic.

Congrats, Turly… Your husband strikes me as a pompous douchebag, but you still strike us all right in the loins.

Take a report.

-Large

This week’s Ass From The Past is the lovely and marginally talented Miss Suzanne Somers.

Her real name is Suzanne Marie Mahoney, and grew up in a household with a physically abusive, alcoholic father… The reason I mention this is because women who grow up in households with a physically abusive, alcoholic father are often looked at as sexy by my physically abusive, alcoholic readership.

Suzanne is best known for her role as Chrissy Snow in Three’s Company, but what’s lesser known is that Somers was the original choice for Farrah Fawcett’s character, Jill Munroe, in Charlie’s Angels… That was, of course, before Farrah blew everyone in the studio including the caterer to ultimately get the part.

She appeared nude in Playboy twice during the 80’s, including one pictorial which takes place in a waterfall where she is so “unkempt” that you would swear she was under the impression Hef was paying “per pubic hair”… The hair-diaper she is sporting in those shots spans from hip-to-hip, which is almost disturbing to look at.

Somers turns 62 later on this year, and spends most of her time shilling worthless shit on the Home Shopping Network. She’s certainly had some work done, but appears to be holding up quite nicely for a woman of her advanced age. And just to show you that Suzanne has tightened up the pelt since her Playboy days, here’s a clip where she inadvertently shows off her “cooch” to the viewing audience…

Thanks for the peek Suzie, congrats on the AFTP, and take a fucking report.

-Large

This week’s Ass From The Past is Soleil Moon Frye…

Best known for her childhood role as the title character in Punky Brewster, she basically fell off the face of the earth at the age of 13.

In 1992 she resurfaced to commit the Cardinal Sin of having her hams reduced from 36DD’s to 34C’s (and I can assure you, she did not consult with me beforehand), but it appears like she left enough in there to ogle.

She also dabbled in that Scientology shit for a while, but now professes to be “straight up Jew”… Which is nice.

You would think being saddled with such an irritating name like “Soleil Moon” would push this chick towards more traditional monikers for her own children, but her 2 kids are annoyingly named Poet Sienna Rose Goldberg and Jaggerlyn Joseph Blue Goldberg… Which I’m guessing are both firsts within the long and storied history of the Goldberg Clan.

Congrats on AFTP, Soleil, and a little word of advice from your creepy old Uncle Large… If you’re looking to get back into Hollywood, you might want to put the stuffing back in those Teddy Bears.

Take a report.

-Large

This is gonna be a quick one, but does Morgan Fairchild look better now than she did over a quarter century ago?

And I could care less about all the plastic surgery, 58 years-old and still sexy makes you an easy selection for Ass From The Past… and I’ll fight any man who says different.

Congrats, Morgan… And take a fucking report.

-Large

This week’s Ass From The Past is a Baywatch girl who I think fell off the radar too soon… Nicole Eggert was the first ever AFTP… Pam Anderson has gotten more than enough press on this website… Yasmine Bleeth was a WTF-Wednesday… But nobody ever gives props to Kelly Packard, and I am not sure why.

So fuck it… Kelly… Today’s your day.

She played April Giminski for 8 seasons on Baywatch, and I even remember her playing the school hottie on a couple episodes of The Wonder Years.

She’s 33 years-old and still looks like she could throw on the red swimsuit.

Congrats, Kelly… And welcome back to the radar screen… Now take your top off.

Take a fucking report.

-Large