Take A Report

I took a dump the other day. After finishing I stood up while holding my hand over the auto-flush sensor, and turned around to marvel at my creation. And I was amazed on how my stool resembled a dreadlock. Maybe I had a good mix of fiber, or maybe the water has been exceptionally buoyant of late, but the resemblance was uncanny.

Now am I telling you this because I want to keep you up to date on my bowel movements?… No. I am telling you this because I find it amazing that a certain culture of Jamaicans or Jamaican-wanna-be’s go through countless months of growth and upkeep to ultimately have their hair look like logs of shit.

You were all thinking it, but I said it.

Take a report.

-Large

Haven’t wrote any bathroom commentary in a while, been jonesing to tell you about my dumps, so here goes…

Went to pick up lunch in the lobby the other day, but I stopped into the ground floor bathroom for a quick leak first. An intern walks in lugging 3 paper shopping bags full of chinese food. He walks past me at the urinal, puts the bags ON THE FLOOR two urinals away from me, and proceeds to take a leak.

Now I know for a fact that people piss all over the floor of this bathroom… I, myself, piss all over the fucking walls of that place every year after I get my bonus number.

I was tempted to say something to the kid… Nothing rude… Interns are often overwhelmed or just plain naive, and I thought he could use a tip from a wise old lunch-getting veteran. Plus I’d be doing a favor for the desk he was interning for, ’cause nobody likes to eat Chinese food that is dipped in urine. Then I recognized that he was an intern on the Sales Trading desk, so I held my tongue and said nothing… Fuck those douchebags.

Take a report.

-Large

Had 6 or 7 vodkas and a big bowl of crawfish etoufee loaded down with hot-sauce last night at some dump in Hoboken with a couple old friends.

Now I am squirming around in my desk like a fucking bluefish… Feels like I’m sitting on a campfire.

I actually penned a polite apology-note, and pinned it to the door of the handi-capped stall, because it looked like ‘Nam in there when I stepped out this morning. I was tempted to call housekeeping and tell them someone had an accident, but I lost my nerve.

Gonna be a long-ass day, so let’s switch gears to something brighter… Here’s a little G.I.F.T. in the form of Kelley Hazell …

Enjoy, and take a report on my rectum.

-Large

You ever walk toward your office shitter at the same time an attractive girl is heading towards the neighboring Ladies Room? You are both strolling towards the same bathroom entrance from opposite sides of the room, so you are essentially facing each other for about 10 or 15 yards before turning into the vestibule and then entering your respective doors.

I never know what to say… Do you give the old half-smile and a polite “Hey.”?… Or maybe just throw an obligatory head-nod? I mean, I know what she’s about to do and that thought doesn’t necessarily repulse me. But at the same time, she knows what I’m about to do, and that thought probably disgusts her to no end. It doesn’t help that I have the Daily News tucked under my arm, which takes all the mystery out of whether this 300 pound bald guy is just taking a leak, or going in to completely destroy a stall.

And now, the more that I think about it, what the fuck do I care what this whore is thinking about while I’m taking a dump? I’m a happily married man, and this little cheesecake provides me with nothing but the occasional “inappropriately short skirt in a stairwell” scenario.

So you know what I’m gonna say to her next time?… “Make sure you wash your fucking hands.”

Take a report.

-Large

Saw someone walk into a bathroom the other day, and enter a stall with a cup of coffee in hand. To be honest, I haven’t seen that move since I worked on the floor, and would witness the same animals waiting on line every morning to dump in the “Non-Member Bathroom” with a coffee in one hand and an egg sandwich in the other. Fucking disgraceful.

Still, I was home alone the other day. My wife and kids were nowhere to be found. Just made myself a cup of tea, and it hits me… I gotta drop some wolf-bait, and it can’t wait. So I grab the paper, say “Fuck it!”, and bring my cup of tea in with me. You know what? It wasn’t that disgraceful at all. Tough to believe I’ve been swirling around this mortal coil for almost 4 decades and that was the first time I brought a hot beverage into the shitter. The taste was affected slightly as the stench of my stool deadened my taste buds ever-so-slightly, but all and all, it was a good experience.

Now of course pulling this same move in a public bathroom, where your tastebuds are invaded by a plethora of stenches, while your ass is shares the “seat warmth” of your predecessor is a different story. Eating or drinking under those circumstances is still fucking disgraceful. Case closed.

Take a report.

-Large

Stopped into the Men’s Room on my way out of the building the other day… I always have to take a leak before an hour long drive home.

As soon as I walk in, there’s a Chinese guy standing at one of the sinks picking his nose. And he wasn’t being nonchalant about it. He was probing inside with one hand while the other hand was stretching out that part of your cheek that is connected to the nose in order to get a little more surface tension on the nostril.

I was taken aback at first. Almost tempted to say something. But then I thought to myself, “He’s not hurting anybody, and there are no free stalls, so where else is this guy supposed to pick his nose?”

I usually wait ’til I’m in the car before I shoo any bats out of the cave, but maybe the bathroom is a better alternative. That is, assuming you’re not one of those fucking animals who wipes it on the walls.

Lemme know what you think.

Take a report.

-Large

You know what immensely popular slang term bugs me lately?… “I’d like to fuck the shit out of her.”

And I gotta be honest, I’ve said it myself hundreds of times, but I can’t think of another slang statement in our lexicon that is uttered so often by people who just don’t mean it.

As evidenced by the universal “gross-out” caused by the utterly repulsive 2 Girls 1 Cup video, most people are not “fecal freaks”. So why does every guy, from the boardroom to the construction site, say, “I’d love to bang the shit out of that chick” every time an attractive girl walks by?

Totally uninterested in any sort of “banging” that results in any type of “shitting”. I mean, I was rough-housing with a coworker the other day and he farted when I punched him in the arm. Now we avoid each other like the plague. Imagine the uncomfortableness after some freshly banged partner of yours shits the bed?

Am I splitting hairs? Probably. But it’s not like I’m asking a mundane, “Why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?”-type question. I’m asking why the fuck does a saying like that ever catch on? Who first said, “Man, I would fuck the shit out of that broad!” and how did it blow away his audience and spread the term like wildfire?

At its very core, this saying is extremely demeaning. Unless I am misunderstanding the sentiment, you’re essentially saying that you will not stop having sex with a woman until she loses all control over her bowels. Does that make any sense at all? Wouldn’t you want your love making ability to climax with something more than a healthy dump? “I’d like to bang the bulimia out of that girl.” or “I’d like to bang that chick into a high paying job.” Now there’s 2 positive things you can hope for.

And just to flip the script, let’s say the “chick” in question is as hot as balls, but you fucking despise her personally, and just want to bang. Well then, “fucking the shit” out of her still doesn’t do you much good. Because in the end, there’s a good chance you’ll be covered (or at least splattered) with shit. Maybe a viable alternative might be, “I’d like to fuck the confidence out of that cooze.” Or even, “I’m gonna bang that chip right off of that sexy bitch’s shoulder.”

So maybe it’s time to rethink the term, because there’s no doubt that it’s really starting to “bother the shit” out of me…See? Now I gotta go take a dump.

Take a report.

-Large

How liberating would this be?  Pissing in an open-air rooftop urinal?  Wind through your hair and through your balls…  Makes you feel alive! 

Not sure why there are two Virgin Mary urinals while a third kinda resembles a vagina with teeth, but I’m not here to throw stones.

I don’t know what it is about taking a leak outdoors, but I fucking love to do it.  Maybe it starts with that animalistic urge to mark your territory, but when my wife and I bought our first house, I stood outside in the backyard that first night and pissed in every corner of the lot.  I still do it every now and again.  No need to aim, arms outstretched in the air, and no consequences when I let out a wolf-like howl.  Makes a man feel like a man.

I also knew a kid growing up who used to eat dry dog food and take dumps in his backyard.  That was just fucking weird.

Take a report.

-Large