Take A Report

Saw this picture the other day and thought to myself, “Man! This little son-of-a-bitch is pretty lucky… Imagine having Megan Fox as a babysitter?”

Then I did a little poking around, and found out the kid belongs to that punk from 90210, Brian Austin Green, and his mom is the lovely Vanessa Marcil (pictured below).

Not that I needed someone else to hate… And we all know that I am usually happy for guys who sleep with chicks out of their league, but fuck Brian Austin Green. He’s always struck me as an intolerable taint, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that his initials read “B.A.G.”.

Take a report.

-Large

I know she looks great, but is this picture creepy to anybody else but me?

Shauna Sand, who has been battered by a host of Hollywood schlongs over the past decade, takes her daughter to the beach in a hot-pink leopard-print bikini, and 8 inch clear-plastic stiletto platforms?

I’m not saying she has to wear a one-piece swimsuit under a baggy sweatshirt, but I think for your kid’s sake you shouldn’t cart her around looking like you just came off of a pole… But that’s just me thinking out loud, I guess.

Take a report.

-Large

Apparently Madonna turned 50 last Friday, and what’s even more apparent is that she looks every fucking day of it. Maybe I haven’t been paying attention, but when did the Material Girl turn into Willem Dafoe?

Happy birthday, you bony bitch… Now go eat a burger.

Take a report.

-Large

My mamma used to tell me that “death comes in 3’s”. And for all our sake, I hope she was right.

Samuel L Jackson hasn’t been in any mutha-fuckin’ good movies since his mutha-fuckin’ voice-over work as mutha-fuckin Frozone in the mutha-fuckin’ Incredibles!

And don’t bother defending him with Pulp Fiction quotes. That movie was 15 years ago, and he’s done plenty of bad flicks since then… Jumper, Black Snakes Moan On A Plane, The Man, S.W.A.T., Changing Lanes, XXX, The Caveman’s Valentine, Unbreakable, Shaft, Deep Blue Sea, The Negotiator, Sphere, The Long Kiss Goodnight, Die Hard 3… Shit, I could go on for days. This guy has been in nothing but dog-shit, and he walks around Hollywood in a backwards Kangol like he’s the black Bobby-fucking-Deniro.

Fuck Sam Jackson… I say he stinks.

Take a report.

-Large

They probably should’ve cut the old guy’s mic off, but I guess the cat’s out of the bag now… Ernest Borgnine loves to take reports on himself.

God bless you, you old son-of-a-bitch.

-Large

I wrote something last month saying that it was about time Emmanuel Lewis killed himself, and apparently it got back to him.

We got this picture forwarded to us from Webster’s agent along with an attached letter which I copied below…

To Whom It May Concern,

E.L.

Well played, little brother. But instead of starting an on-line squabble, I’m going to play the bigger man here (both literally and figuratively, because the fact remains that you are still only 3′ 4″), and take back everything I said.

Now go grab a step-stool, and tap that ass.

Take a report.

-Large

That’s Mr. Belding from Saved By The Bell.

Nothing really to say here… I’m just glad to see that old bastard is still pulling tail off of that bullshit show 15 years later.

Good for you, whatever-your-name-is, and take some reports for Screech.

-Large

Watched a bootleg of that movie Leatherheads with George Clooney and the guy who plays Jim in The Office… Fucking terrible… Could only stomach the first half hour before turning it off.

Can someone remind me why I’m supposed to like Renee Zelwegger? Maybe I’m out of my fucking mind, but is there really a market for a flat chested, bleach blond with a face that looks like it got caught in a car door?

I don’t hate her enough to want her dead, but maybe we can cut off her ear, or something… Just enough to prevent her from getting any more lead roles.

Take a report.

-Large