Take A Report

Yet another person I’d like to kill. This Canadian clam has more money than God, but I wouldn’t hire her for my kid’s Bar Mitzvah.

Somebody… Anybody… Feel free to put a bullet in this bitch’s maw.

Take a report.

-Large

The #1 “Celebrity I Would Like To See Dead” is that little weasel, Woody Allen.  Now I know everyone would love to see somebody else die, and I agree with the suggestions that have piled into the comment box, but hear me out on this one.

He married his first wife, Harlene Rose, when was only 16, and that right there bothers the shit out of me.  Call me traditional, but I think you shouldn’t marry a girl who isn’t old enough to buy cigarettes.  They were divorced five years later because she became too “legal” for his tastes.

And his life just gets more deviant from there.

He dated Mia Farrow for 12 years.  She already had a few adopted kids (including Soon-Yi), and she and Woody adopted a couple more.

Allen and Farrow separated after she discovered nude pictures he had taken of then 20 year old Soon-Yi, and Farrow also alleged that Woody had sexually molested their adopted daughter Malone, who was 7 years old. A judge eventually concluded that the sex abuse charges were inconclusive, but called Allen’s conduct with Malone “grossly
inappropriate”.

I don’t feel like writing any more about this freak’s sexual biography, but grossly inappropriate sexual behavior with your adopted 7 year old and then an open sexual relationship with your 20 year old adopted daughter is enough for me to want you dead.

And maybe it’s because Soon-Yi is from another country, but she always has that look on her face like, “Please help me. I want to get away, but little man chains me to the radiator at night.”

What really bothers me is that this guy has been given a “pass” in Hollywood.  Why the fuck is that?  I shit my pants in 3rd grade and had to live with the name “Skidmark” until I got out of high-school.  This guy is hiding the salami with his adopted kids, and he’s still winning fucking Oscars?

Fuck Woody Allen, he makes shitty movies that only fat old Jewish ladies love.  Well I am certainly fat, but I am neither old, nor Jewish, nor a lady, so I could give a fuck less if he ever gets behind a camera again.

And I aint gay, but I would love to rape the shit out of this freakshow, then beat him to death with his clarinet.

Woody Allen can take a fucking report.

-Large

The #2 on the “Top 5 Celebrities I Would Like To See Dead” list is Bruce Willis, a worthless douchebag that I’ve taken to task before. It’s not his body of work I have an issue with but his living legacy.

Take for instance his son, Rumer, seen here dressed up like his mom, Demi Moore, for a Halloween party this week.  Originally I was going to trash Bruce for letting Rumer dress up like this. Impersonating women, even for kicks (or should it be “especially for kicks?”), is not something a man should encourage his son to do.  Wouldn’t fly with Bruce’s character in Die Hard.  
 
Then I learned this is actually Bruce Willis’ DAUGHTER, Rumer Willis.  She dressed up like a transvestite prostitute for Halloween.  Before winning first prize the judge had to jam a hand in her tights to check for an absence of balls.

Holy shit. Is this the best two movie stars can produce? Take a tip from Britney, Bruce, and have Rumer beheaded.  Then go watch 10 straight seasons of That 70s Show on DVD and die of jealousy.

Take a report.

-Large

#3 on the “Top 5 Celebrities I Would Like To See Dead” is Jennifer Lopez.

Our pop culture throws around the word “diva” pretty lightly nowadays.  What makes this chick a diva?  The fact that she used to blow P Diddy?  As far as I’m concerned J-lo is Rosie Perez with a better voice.

I pine for the days when she was just a former “Fly Girl” with a big old ass.

Married to Marc Anthony, who happens to annoy the shit out of me too… The guy looks and sounds like a little wet rat.  Instead of fixing flats outside the Holland Tunnel, he’s shopping for fucking Maybachs.  I don’t get it.

Diane Sawyer interviewed J-Lo a couple weeks ago and avoided the question of whether or not she was pregnant… Why the fuck does a legitimate newswoman like Diane Sawyer have to dance around any issue with this whore?  Sawyer has interviewed Heads of State during wartime, but now she’s handling a knocked-up Puerto Rican with kid-gloves?  Why the fuck is that? 

 ’Don’t be fooled by the rocks that I got.’
 ’I'm just, I’m just a no talent whore.’

Hey, “Jenny From The Block”.  Do us all a favor and take a slug to the face just like Selena did. 

Take a report.

-Large

#4 on the “Top 5 Celebrities I Would Like To See Dead” is Lisa Marie Presley.  I saw a picture of her and her 18-year old daughter at a fashion show a couple of weeks ago, and they looked like they had one of those creepy mother-daughter open relationships where they might share dildos and shit.  Just fucking creepy.

And the fact that she was married to that douchebag, Nic Cage for 3 months is just an afterthought when you consider that she was also married to Michael Jackson for almost 2 years. 

She had to have blown him somewhere in that time, right?  What do you think that freak’s hog looks like?… All limp and pale and covered in rhinestones? 

And you know who else I think would agree with me that this broad should die?  Elvis Presley, that’s who.  I don’t have any daughters but I think having one of your little girls come home married to a half-albino pedophile would be reason enough for any father to snap.  Plus we’re
talking about Elvis.  That fat fuck was always so hopped up on meds that little Lisa wouldn’t have stood a chance if she brought the King Of Pop to dinner at Graceland.

So fuck you, Lisa Marie Presley.  Instead of making terrible albums, or marrying anymore random freakshows, why not do us all a favor and throw yourself in front of a bus?

Take a report.

-Large

I think I’m going to do something a little different this week, a continuous piece of content in the form of a “Top 5″ list.  I read alot of websites and I enjoy counting down the Top 25 Worst Album Covers of All Time, or the 10 Most Popular Sexual Positions for the Clergy,  so, fuck it… I’m gonna give it a whirl.

This week’s countdown is going to be “The Top 5 Celebrities That I (Large) Would Like To See Dead”… catchy, right?  And I don’t mean celebrities who are so inherently evil, that they might actually be the target of vigilante killers (like OJ).  I just mean people who have been in the headlines at one point or another who annoy me so much, that I feel this planet would be better off if they were no longer on it. 

Got it?…  Good. (and feel free to lob in any suggestions to the Comment page)

So here we go… the “Top 5 Celebrities I Want Dead- #5″ is magician, David Blaine.

In a week where we found out that Professor Dumbledore was gay and that David Copperfield moonlights as a very wealthy rapist, wouldn’t it have been nice to hear that David Blaine caught an exotic strain of SARS or something?  This guy just annoys the shit out of me. 

Whether it’s standing in a block of ice for 61 hours, standing on top of a 27 meter post for 35 hours, being buried alive, or spending a week inside a water-filled glass sphere,  the guy just doesn’t impress me.  I just can’t seem to forget the fact that a couple years ago he was just some weird guy who followed Leonardo DiCaprio around, doing card tricks, and trying to pick up any “castaway-ass” from Leo. 

The most interesting thing about Blaine is the fact he’s half-Jewish and half-Puerto Rican kid from Brooklyn, which makes me wonder where his parents got married… maybe the parking lot at Shea Stadium?  Who the fuck knows?  But what I do know, is that I don’t like David Blaine, and I would like to see him dead.

And what’s the downside of having this annoying prick die?  A bunch of magic enthusiasts would hold midnight vigils for a week or two, pretending to levitate, and guessing one another’s card.  I could live with that.  Because sooner or later these misfits would have to return to their jobs at the local comic book store, and David Blaine would become a magically distant memory.

So for your next trick, Dave, I suggest you camp out in Macy’s window and try to survive a shotgun blast to the face, you annoying fuck.

Take a report.

-Large