Take A Report

Here’s your answer, kid.

Man, I hate Seal.

Take a report.

- Large

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In our short history together, I think we’ve established that I’m a regular guy with below average looks.  And nothing makes me happier than to see an ugly man with a beautiful woman.  I just think its nice to see an average dude “outkick his coverage” relationship-wise.
 
Maybe it’s his sense of humor, his overall personality, or his big sauseetch… but SOMETHING gives some guys the edge they need to land that “big fish” (or “big clam”, as it were).

And sometimes you’ll make eye contact with one of these lucky bastards as he passes you on the street arm-and-arm with his better-half, and he’ll shoot you that half-wink, as if to say, “Yeah, brother… I aint being cocky, but I am banging the shit out of this goddess!”

Good for you, bro.  Tap that sexy ass.

And I guess it is cool to see the same phenomenon happen in the sport/celebrity circles, but 9 times out of 10 it is explained away with cash.  You ever see Salma Hayek’s husband?  The guy bleeds money, but he’s as ugly as sin.

Tom Glavine, Reggie Miller, Phil Mickelson, and Jose Lima all have nothing going for them… except dough and lots of it … so they all have hot-ass ladies.
 
You think Jeff Garcia is a charming conversationalist?  He looks like he was just chloroformed and banged for a whole weekend while camping with Michael Stipe for Christ’s sake, and yet he is issuing reports to Carmella DeCesare on a regular basis.

I say, “Good for them!”, and I think there is an argument to be made that your’s truly (me) is also the “weaker link” in his marriage… Although in my case it’s obvious that my wife was lured into the “Large-web” with promises of offensive blog entries and quick unsatisfying sex. 

God bless you Honey-cakes, and thanks for settling.

So here’s the rub… You know what relationship bugs the shit out of me for some reason?  Heidi Klum being married to Seal.

Before I begin shitting on Seal, let’s just get it out in the open that my animosity for him has NOTHING to do with the fact that he’s a black dude married to a white woman.  Seal is British, and I think English people transcend any color distinction and are automatically color-less douchebags.  Tally-ho, asshole.  Back to the blog.

I first heard Seal, when I had a radio show in college (maybe 1991 or ‘92), and that song “Crazy” was put into heavy rotation.  It was an okay tune for back in the day.  Kinda catchy.  Now here’s the thing, Seal had these crazy-ass scars all over his face and there was a rumor started that he had gotten them from his fellow tribesmen as a rite of passage growing up on the plains of Northern Africa.  Sounds cool, right?
 
And it makes sense, because Seal is as dark as… well… a seal, so the Africa thing kinda fit.  And he didn’t do many interviews so the mysterious background thing was never squashed.  Shit, I believed it.  Gave me something to talk about while playing hacky sack and taking down cases of Natural Light with fat girls.

It wasn’t until years later that I learned Seal’s full name is Henry Olusegun Olumide Adeola Samuel, and that he was born and raised in an affluent suburb of London where he studied engineering before turning to music.  The Africa thing and the ceremonial mutilation thing were both shams, and I bought them hook, line, and sinker.

I wonder if Heidi fell for it too?  Poor girl.  She starts nibbling at the cheese because of his sexy but false back-story, and then the trap gets slammed shut once he showed her the “baby-seal” he’s packing below the belt.  Now they have two sons named (and I’m not kidding) Henry Günther Ademola Dashtu Samuel and Johan Riley Fyodor Taiwo Samuel.  Poor kids.  You know Heidi wasn’t driving the bus on those names… It was that manipulative little Seal.

Plus, who the fuck would use the name “Seal”?  You mean to tell me there wasn’t a better animal name out there.  I would’ve gone “Wolverine” or maybe “Bulldog”, but Seal?  That’s fucking terrible.

I could go on for days on this tool, but suffice to say, I hate Seal. And I hope Heidi wises up, changes her kid’s names to Billy and Jim, and leaves that freak pronto.

Seal, take your 3 Grammy’s and shove them up your English arse.  I’m more African than you.

Take a report.

-Large