Take A Report

When a guy would pass out drunk in college we used to write on his face with a marker…

But kids today are so much cooler…

Take a report.

-Large

PS… However, we here at takeareport.com do not condone the gluing of your own freshly shaved pubic hair onto your passed-out drunk roommate’s eyebrows…

No doubt, it’s very funny. But it’s also very, very wrong.

Or was your triplet eaten by that sweaty monster on the left?

Take a report.

-Large

Not the biggest deal in the world, but I feel compelled to tell you what happened to me on Saturday…

Went to Stop&Shop with my 4 year-old for some pinwheels to throw on the grill. Got to the check out, and there is an older woman in front of me on line who is just about done. And there is a middle-aged, mentally retarded man… who works for the Supermarket… bagging her groceries.

Apparently this guy screwed up in loading her cart because she yelled something derogatory at him.

Not sure why, but I say politely to this stranger, “Easy, lady. Give the guy a break.”

And she raises her voice a little as she says back to me, “Well I didn’t come here to spend all this money and have my bread and eggs crushed by my cat’s food.”

By now, the poor bag-clerk has got his hands over his ears, which I’m guessing is some sort of security device for people with his disability… And seeing this fucking steams the shit out of me.

So I say to to this old gash, “And I didn’t come here with the intention of cuffing a senior citizen in front of my son, but life’s funny. Now load up your shit and fucking beat it.”

She puts her head down and walks away saying she was going to get a manager, and I say, “You can get a fucking SWAT team for all I care, Ethel. And I hope your grandkids are born with hooves and antlers.”

I wound up speaking to the manager, and I explained to him exactly what I’m trying to explain to you– That I don’t usually going around harassing the elderly, but there should be a special circle in hell for people who take advantage of the mentally disabled… Especially old clams who probably never worked a fucking day in their life.

Take a report, you old piece of shit.

-Large

PS… You know what’s weird? Ever since I started writing this blog, whenever shit like this happens to me, I consciously try to react in a way that will be most entertaining for you guys later on… That’s why I called her Ethel and threw out the “hoof and antler” line… Fucking strange, right?

Real quick… The BREAKING NEWS headline banner on CNN.com reads, “The U.S. Supreme Court has rejected using the death penalty for child rape.”

That raises a couple questions for me:

1) Why even bother having a death penalty if you can’t use it to kill people who rape kids?
2) Who are they saving it for?
3) Why have a Supreme Court, if they can’t agree that the only good child-rapist is a dead child-rapist?
4) Is there an intelligent person out there who agrees with this?
5) Am I missing something?

As far as I’m concerned, the so-called “Supreme” Court can take a fucking report.

-Large

Court explains ruling…

Have no idea who this guy is, but I’m pretty sure I like him.

Pathetic thing about this is that it must be a foreign newspaper (Scottish, apparently), because the US headline would read, “Terrorist sues, and wins $10 million from man who kicked his balls”.

Take a report.

-Large

I think we all sleep a little sounder knowing that Mabel is out there keeping our park benches warm.

Take a report.

-Large

I know I complain alot on this site about the most trivial things. But the fact of the matter is that we live in the greatest fucking country in the world, and that is in great part due to the THOUSANDS of men and women who made the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom. So today we’d like to say “Thanks” to everyone who served and died.

Enjoy your barbecues today, and we’ll resume the unabashed madness tomorrow.

Take a report.

-Large & admin

I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again… Sometimes a little surprise cleavage, or random butt-crack is more exciting than full blown nudity.

How pumped was the son-of-a-bitch who took this picture with his phone… Like hitting the fucking lottery. May God continue to shine His light upon opportunistic pervs.

Take a report.

-Large