Take A Report

Am I out of my fucking mind?

I thought the natural progression went as follows:
1)You get HIV.
2)You get all skinny and covered in lesions.
3)You die.

Not only does it look like Tragic Johnson is on the “Chaka Khan Diet”, but he’s also opening up a new inner-city movie theatre every fucking week… What gives?

Take a report already, you fat fuck. You’re done.

-Large

Mere days after Large proclaimed him history’s 3rd greatest athlete, we learn that Kevin Duckworth has taken the ultimate report.

It’s sad the way things work sometimes. If asked I couldn’t have told you what team Duckworth played for. Then Large, whose penchant for recognizing greatness is matched only by his adroit handling of motor scooters, recognizes this man’s lifetime achievements on Takeareport…and he dies a week later.

Did Duckworth, on some level, deem his life complete and lose the will to live? Is there a TAR “curse” in play? (Be careful, Sam)

Spooky.

Rest in peace and take a report.

-admin

This one is gonna make the rounds. Most the goods are in the first half of this clip:

1) Nice to see Tiki Barber reminded “yet again” of his impeccable retirement planning.

2) Tiki clearly calls his ditzy co-host a “total medal cunt”. This guy is bitter beyond tears, despite that wide toothy smile he loves to flash. Good for him, great for us, yet not so hot for his resume.

Keep faking that grin Tiki Barber and take a report.

- admin

Is Michael Phelps the greatest American athlete? He’s unquestionably the greatest olympian… But I am asking you if this goofy bastard is the greatest athlete to EVER compete in any sport? He’s got to be Top 5, right?

He certainly is one of the ugliest.

I just don’t know… I respect everything he’s accomplished in the pool, but I always picture my idea of the “greatest athlete” as someone who would probably be good at anything he or she tried.

— SIDEBAR: I’m not sure why in the above sentence I felt compelled to write “he or she”. With all apologies to the descendants of Babe Zaharias, but I think while we may disagree which individual is the greatest athlete of all time, I think we can all agree that every candidate in the argument has a set of testicles… Well, maybe not Lance Armstrong with his “uni-ball”, but you get my point. —

Michael Jordan, Bo Jackson, Deion Sanders… Guys like that would’ve probably excelled in any sport they dedicated their lives to. But I think Phelps was built to be a fish, and that’s it. Plus, I watched a couple of his events, and I didn’t see a single black guy in the pool. So his degree of competition is “suspect” to say the least.

In the end, I’m putting him #4, behind Jordan, Jim Thorpe, and Kevin Duckworth.

Take a report.

-Large

Seriously, did Japanese volleyball retire the #2 jersey, was “Big” Yumiduki really that great? Well, she was. Even though many of her teammates thought she stunk, she could always float a winner in crunch time.

Take a report.

-admin

I could see if it was an ad for Joe’s House of Ice Cream or some small-ass place, but this is Breyers for Christ’s sake… Creamsicle… A fucking household name. How does that happen?

Take a report.

-Large

Summer Olympics in full effect, and as boring as I’d remembered. Couldn’t we find better use for all that dough?

Anyhoo, let’s take a look at Women’s Power-lifting today, starting with American hopeful, Cheryl Haworth…

Haworth’s biography says her appeal extends far beyond the sport of weightlifting. “A versatile athlete, she can run the forty in 5.5 seconds, jump 30-inch vertical leaps, and perform front, back, and sideway splits.”… Oof-ah. I just pictured this sow doing a split, and got that same feeling in the pit of my stomach as when I accidentally barged into the bathroom while my Aunt Martha was on the toilet.

Cheryl’s biggest hurdle comes in the lumpy form of Ukraine’s Olha Korobka. When this European powerhouse is not in the gym, Olha runs a lesbian bar just outside of Kiev called The Angry Sardine, and although she holds the world record in the Clean & Jerk, Korobka says she feels much more comfortable competing in the Snatch event.

I bet you do, Olha… I bet you do.

Take a report.

-Large

I have no problem with Brett Favre. I’m sick of having to read about him every fucking day, but he’s still a tough guy to hate. I am a little concerned with the picture above because it looks like he’s got at least 6 fingers on his right hand, and I’m not sure that’s legal. And that glazed-over look of fake enthusiasm in Favre’s eyes makes me think that maybe “Old Number 4″ didn’t budget on working so close to this many Puerto Ricans.

Now before NY Jets fans start making arrangements for Tampa next February, they might want to remember how a 34 year-old Namath and a 33 year-old OJ ended their careers…

OJ Simpson once told ABC Sports that his final season as a 49′er was so exhausting both mentally and physically, that he did not even have the motivation to beat his wife… And that’s saying something, because nothing relaxed that animal like the feel of his hands around the throat of a white woman.

If I were Brett, I would cut bait right now. There’s no need to embarrass yourself as a 38 year-old legend who is trying to find his way around a new system in one of the toughest media outlets in the world. And if the yen to compete becomes too great, then do yourself a favor… Just grab the nearest Russian girl and just fucking dance!

Take a report.

-Large