Take A Report

Caught a little flack from a few friends on last week’s piece ripping apart adult CROC wearers. And just to show the handful of people who complained just how much I value their criticism, I am going to institute an allowance…

From now on, if you are over the age of 16, and still feel the need to wear Crocs, then they MUST match the color of the hair on your vagina.

Any questions?

Take a report.

-Large

… this is your Master Bathroom.

Take a report.

-Large

Okay. This one might be a little disturbing, but apparently a kid was born in China with an extra penis on his back. The rare condition is called “fetus in fetu”, and doctors at Tianjin Children’s’ Hospital successfully removed the superfluous cock on June 6th.

Couple of thoughts:

- Every time you burp him, it’s a “Happy Ending”.

- By coincidence his name is Tu Dongs.

- His uncle is Kut Een Too.

- You can jerk him off while you dance the waltz.

- What did they do with the cock after it was removed?… Can the family take it home, and put it in Dong’s baby book?

- If you were to get on his shoulders to have a “Chicken Fight” in a pool, he could easily be banging you in the a$$.

- If you were standing on line behind him at an amusement park or something. And there just happened to be a hot Puerto Rican girl standing in front of him… And she just happens to be wearing a very short skirt and a very tight babydoll t-shirt (as PR girls are known to do)… And let’s just say she keeps bending over in front of “The Donger” because she has a nasty little sandal strap that is itchy… And every time she bends over her thong peeks out of the top of her skirt, AND her little ass-cheeks peek out underneath that same little skirt… Well, then there’s a good chance you would have someplace to hang your jacket staring you right in the face.

Good luck, dick-back, and take a report.

-Large

New spin on old meditations…

Old: If a tree falls in the woods and there was no one there to hear it, did it make a sound?

New: If a man masturbates underwater while some gash in a white bikini freshens her drink, did it really happen?

Take a report.

-Large

I don’t even know where to begin with this picture… My mind is awash with questions.

- Does she know she’s being photographed?

- Why is she sporting a whale tail and J-Lo jeans? Are they custom made?

- What is in that vending machine that has her so focused? (I think the graphic across the bottom says “Intense Milks”)

- Is that her baby in the carriage in the foreground?… And, if so, what the fuck does that kid look like?

- And what guy could work up a batch to impregnate this manatee?

I could go on and on, but I feel like less of a man staring at her for this long.

Take a report.

-Large

Saw a Levitra ad on TV the other day. Two 40 something guys complaining how diabetes and high blood pressure has resulted in their having erectile dysfunction, or “E.D.”. At the end of the commercial, a disembodied voice gave the requisite warnings for consumers including, “If an erection persists for over 4 hours, proceed to a hospital immediately.”

This got me thinking…

First off, a 4 hour erection doesn’t strike me as reason for alarm. I don’t pretend to be a sexual dynamo, but I can distinctly remember numerous occasions where I went to bed with the same wood that I woke up with 6-8 hours later. And the last thing I wanted to do in that situation was go to the fucking hospital.

And if you really want to see a room full of four hour erections, look no further than the stands of any high school gymnastics tournament.

One other thing… If you go to a Emergency Room with a 4 hour erection, what can they possibly do?… Blow you?

I guess in that situation, you could always make lemonade and turn the tables by telling some hot-nurse to stick out HER tongue and say, “Ahhh.”… Cue the porn-music!

Take a report.

-Large