Take A Report

Real quick, because it’s a little obscure…

Remember the little redhead who played drums for The Partridge Family?

Well, even if you don’t… Her name is Suzanne Crough, she runs a Payless Shoes in Reno, Nevada, and she looks like a fat lesbian…

Take a report.

-Large

Somebody asked me to consider Justine Bateman for What The Fuck?- Wednesday, but I don’t know… Do you think she looks so terrible?

A better question might be - Did she ever look really good?

I mean, she was INFINITELY better looking than Tina Yothers, but I don’t think I’m alone in saying that Bateman couldn’t hold a candle to her TV mom, Meredith Baxter Birney…That hippy-freak had it all!

So I think Bateman gets a pass here. No doubt she’s looking more and more like an environmentalist lesbian, but I think she’s always had that club in her bag, so I’m not gonna shit on her anymore… Plus her brother (who I always thought might have top-ticked in Teen Wolf Too) has been fucking hilarious lately. I just watched him in The Kingdom and Smoking Aces, and he just about carries both of those flicks.

Then who is this week’s WTF-Wednesday?

I say we go with Brigitte Bardot. She’s widely considered as the first “sex kitten” of the silver screen, but went from being regaled as “the Princess of Pout, the Countess of Come Hither”…

To some crazy looking old lady who looks like she owns 30 cats.

Take a report.

-Large

I don’t consider myself a big Kenny Rogers fan, but if someone plays “The Gambler” on a jukebox and I have a couple in me, then I’m singing just loud enough that everyone in the joint can appreciate that I know every fucking word to that song. That being said, Kenny Rogers has had so much plastic surgery he is starting to look Chinese (”Radies and gentermen… Meester Kenny Logers!”)…

And I don’t know why he did it. Men in general (and especially Country Western singers), have the God-given right to grow old. We don’t have the same societal pressure to look “tight” well into our Golden Years as women have. Save the tummy-tucks, botox, facelifts, and the rest of that madness for the older women hanging out by the pool of your local country club. If you are a dude, and you make your living playing guitar and singing about drinkin’ and gamblin’, then for Christ’s sake embrace the fact that your gonna get wrinkled.

Otherwise you’ll just look as pathetic as the ever-freakish Mickey Rourke…

Kenny Rogers and Mickey Rourke… What the fuck happened?

Take a report.

-Large

And by R&B we mean “Ribs & Biscuits”…

Holy shit! It looks like Chaka Kahn ate Peaches & Herb.

And Big Steve Wonder may be blind, but he looks like he still knows his way around a fucking fridge…

Chaka and Stevie… What the fuck happened?

Take a report.

-Large

Jasmine Guy (only 44 years-old) from that Cosby spin-off A Different World, and Joan Van Ark (55 years-old) from a bunch of “bitch-shows” look like fucking corpses.

I would rather go coffin diving in the morgue.

Take a report.

-Large

A couple people sent in this mug-shot of Yasmine Bleeth for WTF- Wednesday…

Looks like life has been dealing Yasmine a steady diet of left jabs.

According to her bio, the name Yasmine is Arabic for “fragrant flower”. However, it looks like the only thing this flower smells like is stale potato chips and semen. Whereas Bleeth is actually derived from the German word for “blood”… Which is symbolic of all the intravenous drugs this fragrant flower main-lined in the late 90’s.

This broad has been off the radar for so long, I almost forgot how stunning she was in her prime…

Yasmine Bleeth… What the fuck happened? (and I think the answer is - cocaine happened)

Take a report.

-Large

PS: I know that people look their worst in mug-shots, so Yasmine’s probably getting the short end of the straw here (Get it? She’s a coke-head, and uses straws all the time!). But check out this mug-shot of Carmen Electra…

Doesn’t she look like one of those “dirty girls” who probably blew the police chief for the luxury of a private cell? Kinda prison-sexy if you ask me.

Now, I know how tough it is to look hot all the time. It’s a cross I’ve personally had to bear since becoming such an internet sensation. But here’s Jessica Biel looking downright “frumpy” at a Florida Marlins game last week.

And I’m not saying that I’d rather take a run at that orange chick on the right, but if your going to be considered one of the hottest woman alive, then you gotta bring your A-Game to the ballpark, no?

Jessica… What the fuck happened?

Take a report.

-Large

I saw some recent pictures of Sharon Stone at an awards show, and she looked so good, I was considering her for Ass From The Past. Then I came this picture of her ass at the beach last weekend, and decided she’s probably better suited for What The Fuck?- Wednesday.

And I know she’s 65, but I still cant believe the hail damage on this sloppy trunk is connected to the “sweet spot” that millions of adolescent males tried to get an open look at by REWIND’ing and PAUSE’ing their VCR copy of Basic Instinct.

With an ash-can like that, I gotta think Sharon’s genitals now look like Wilford Brimley’s cat…

Sharon Stone… What the fuck happened to you?

Take a report.

-Large