Take A Report

Did you miss it?

I’m pretty sure this guy didn’t.

Take a report.

-Large

Sure, sweetheart… Throw up the heavy metal horns. But keep in mind that your back is covered with the remnants of Jello shots (at least I think that’s what it is), your being dry-humped by the co-captain of the fencing team who has the pre-requisite “White-Man’s Overbite” dance style, and his roommate with the Old Navy shirt-of-the-week is getting a free grope.

Rock on and take a report.

-Large

Saw this picture the other day and thought to myself, “Man! This little son-of-a-bitch is pretty lucky… Imagine having Megan Fox as a babysitter?”

Then I did a little poking around, and found out the kid belongs to that punk from 90210, Brian Austin Green, and his mom is the lovely Vanessa Marcil (pictured below).

Not that I needed someone else to hate… And we all know that I am usually happy for guys who sleep with chicks out of their league, but fuck Brian Austin Green. He’s always struck me as an intolerable taint, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that his initials read “B.A.G.”.

Take a report.

-Large

I know she looks great, but is this picture creepy to anybody else but me?

Shauna Sand, who has been battered by a host of Hollywood schlongs over the past decade, takes her daughter to the beach in a hot-pink leopard-print bikini, and 8 inch clear-plastic stiletto platforms?

I’m not saying she has to wear a one-piece swimsuit under a baggy sweatshirt, but I think for your kid’s sake you shouldn’t cart her around looking like you just came off of a pole… But that’s just me thinking out loud, I guess.

Take a report.

-Large

Am I out of my fucking mind?

I thought the natural progression went as follows:
1)You get HIV.
2)You get all skinny and covered in lesions.
3)You die.

Not only does it look like Tragic Johnson is on the “Chaka Khan Diet”, but he’s also opening up a new inner-city movie theatre every fucking week… What gives?

Take a report already, you fat fuck. You’re done.

-Large

Real quick, because it’s a little obscure…

Remember the little redhead who played drums for The Partridge Family?

Well, even if you don’t… Her name is Suzanne Crough, she runs a Payless Shoes in Reno, Nevada, and she looks like a fat lesbian…

Take a report.

-Large

I am just gonna come right out and say it… I took my wife to see Huey Lewis and The News the other night in concert. Small concert hall in Northern New Jersey, but it was fucking packed to the rafters with ugly white people.

Here’s a shot of us in the lobby…

The tickets said the show started at 8 PM, but my wife and I got to our seats at 8:10, and nothing was going on yet. Around 8:20 some guy with a guitar came out and performed maybe 4 or 5 folk-ish songs, and after a small intermission the “Main Event” limped out around 9:15 or so. The reason I am giving you such an intricate timeline is because 1) I think Huey Lewis has some set of fucking balls thinking he can keep a phone booth full of people waiting over an hour, much less a theater full of suckers who paid $40 a seat. And 2) Even though he came on at 9:15, me and the missus were headed for the exits by 9:45.

He opened with “The Heart Of Rock and Roll”.

— SIDEBAR: By the way. If you’re in your mid-to-late thirties, and you are reading this, then don’t even try pretending like you don’t know any Huey Lewis songs… I know I am a asshole for actually going to see him live, but you’ve all sang along to “This is It” in your car whenever it’s playing on WPLJ and the 2 kids are asleep in their booster seats in the back, so just fucking stop with the condescending attitude… His old shit is as catchy as the bird-flu, and you know it. And if you’re some punk-ass kid who thinks I am a raisin for seeing this band, then just wait until you and your transsexual bride get a babysitter for your adopted triplets from Guam so you can see the remaining living members of Linkin Park perform at half-time of an Arena League football game in 2023… Then you’ll know what I’m talking about. —

Anyhoo, as I was saying, he opened with “Heart of Rock and Roll”, and immediately 50 women jumped out of their seats and screamed for Huey like he was Elvis Presley. It was at this point, my wife turned to me and asked, “You think this guy killed it with the ladies back in the day?”

And I replied, “Shit yeah… I gotta think dozens of mediocre women woke up in the back of that tour bus thinking they were in love, only to have a half-asleep Mr Lewis tell them that they been ‘Huey-ed’ and to get the fuck out… Maybe he left a shoe-box full of $100 bills next to the exit door, and told them to grab a handful of dough on their way out for car-fare and the occasional abortion.”

So he finishes up that song and then does some new material… Which NOBODY recognized (obviously)… And then went immediately into “I Want A New Drug”. It was at this moment that I had an epiphany– Huey Lewis sounds like shit… Three songs in, and his voice started to reflect the gallons of Dewars and thousands of Marlboro Reds that have passed through his gullet in the past 3 decades. It was just awful, so we gave it 2 more songs, and then got the fuck out of Dodge.

And for those of you who are familiar with my gastrointestinal history at concerts, you’ll be glad to hear that I have NOT learned my lesson. But instead of gorging myself on German food, this time I decided to hit a local Spanish restaurant. And it was there that I threw down the Paella like I was Joey Chestnut going elbow-to-elbow with Kobayashi on the Fourth of July. I couldn’t even make it to the concert afterwards. My wife had to pull into the parking lot of some empty Greek diner one town over so I could run in and use the can. The place was empty and the staff was staring at me, so I slapped a $20 bill on the counter, ordered a coffee, and immediately went to the back of the establishment to destroy their previously spotless restroom. I felt so guilty about the whole thing that I then snuck out through the back door by the kitchen, ran through the parking lot, jumped into the passenger seat of my car, and told my wife to gun it like I had just robbed a fucking bank.

Getting out of the concert early, allowed us the time to grab a flick. We saw the 10:30 showing of Pineapple Express, which was just an okay “stoner flick”… Seth Rogan is a funny Jew and all, but enough already. But what fucking blew my mind was I’m sitting there watching the movie and the title-track from the soundtrack comes blaring through the sound system being sung by none other than Huey-Fucking-Lewis.

So I guess that in the end, it was me that got “Huey-ed”.

Take a report.

-Large

Some asshole pierced his ankle…

And it’s not like he got shot in a random drive-by and then decided to keep the wound open with a grenade pin to commemorate all his homies who were lost to gang violence… That would be cool. This taint went to some underground Piercing/Tattoo/Branding Shoppe, and had his fucking ankle pierced.

I remember when I was a teenager, my Dad said if I ever came home with an earring, he would rip it out… I wonder what the old man would’ve done if I came home with this.

— SIDEBAR: Not sure why I used the term “old man” in that last sentence in reference to my father… He deserves better than that, and even if he is “older”, I’m pretty confident he could still whip my fat ass. Sorry, Dad. —

But back to this whole piercing craze. Just stop it, kids… It’s getting out of fucking control, and you look like morons.

Take a report.

-Large

have you seen…